This isn't something I particularly wanted to do, but it's my very last resort. I have realised I am at a point in my life where I feel I don't really have anyone to speak to. Although I live in a house with 6 people, I have lots of family, a Fiancée, and about 3 genuinely real friends I'm surrounded by, I still feel lonely.
I have pretty serious Depression and Anxiety. From the Age of 3, up until the age of 18, I was severely bullied in School and in College. I'm 22 now, so I got past all the bullying about 3 years ago. But I've been through more than a 22 year old should have been through. I believe that the 15 years of being bullied, and having my heart broken last year, has lowered my self esteem and confidence, to a level that I barely want to leave the house anymore. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about my depression, merely because they don't understand when I tell them I have it. I have tried to talk to people about it, but I've just been told "Just give it time, it'll be fine" but actually, it never is, and I believe that it never will be. I have days where I feel happy and content, but then I have days where I just cry for the whole day. I have constant worries and fears that people are just going to leave me. I feel like one day I'm going to lose my best friend Hannah again, I've already lost her twice before and I don't know what I'd do without her. I also feel like I'm going to lose my Fiancée Josh, because I have serious trust issues and just can't trust others to be around him. I completely trust him, he makes me happy and gives me hugs when I need them, but I worry for myself when I'm not with him. There have been many times where I've self harmed due to arguments with Josh, no matter how big or small they are, it may sound crazy but I either scratch myself or cut myself, to the point where I'm almost bleeding. On many occasions I've even tried to take my own life, but have never succeeded as I know it will hurt my family and they would probably never know why I had done it. If I ever found myself actually almost succeeding, but then survived, I know I'd live to regret even trying to do it. I lie awake every night with a load of worries and things on my mind, with Josh lying next to me snoring away with absolutely no worries at all. Sometimes it will take me a good 3-4 hours to fall asleep. I hate to cry in front of Josh, because I know it's weakness in his eyes. But I don't think there has been an argument with him that I've never cried. I'm extremely scared, and half the time I don't know what to do, because I know one day he's likely to walk out of my life forever. All the promises we've ever made together, all the goals we'd like to achieve would be gone. And that's all because of my Depression and Anxiety. I wish I could speak to somebody about how I'm feeling, I wish I could have a hug off someone and for them to want to genuinely help me. I hate that some people just don't really care about the fact I have it, and they just tell me to stop crying because others have it worse than I do. I get that. But please.. If there's anyone out there who can help me then I'd really appreciate it😩
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Mental Health Awareness
Non-FictionI am writing this, because it's my very last resort. A sort of cry for help, in a way. I have depression, and I feel I need someone to talk to.
