continuation of sorts of the last oneshot
One night after Matt, Russell and Ian had moved in together, one of their friends, Romil, had organized a party at his apartment. Ian was going to go anyway, and Russell wanted to stay home, he said he wasn't feeling up to it. So Matt insisted that he'd stay with Russell, since he could tell he wasn't well at all and doesn't have the heart to leave him at home alone like this and go to Romil's party. Russell tried to tell him a million times that, Matt, go out and have fun, you don't have to stay here. That's no fun. You can go, I don't mind, but Matt stayed persistent.
Russell had been wearing one of Matt's Sci-Fi Fantasy hoodies for the last three days, called in sick to work, and all he did in a day was lay in bed, nap and eat. He didn't feel like he had the energy to even sit down and make music anymore these past few days. Matt could tell that he was feeling like shit, but he had put off on asking him, because he didn't know whether Russell needed him the most or just wanted to isolate himself from everything and everyone. Since they were alone, he felt like if there was an appropriate time to ask, it would be now.
Matt slipped under the covers, taking his boyfriend into his arms and letting him lay his head on Matt's chest.
"You gotta tell me what's wrong, honey," Matt said, his voice hesitant. He ran his fingers through Russell's long hair, moving the strands from out of the boy's face.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry," Russell replies, and Matt hears the guilt in his voice, and how rough it sounds after not speaking as much as he usually does for a few days.
Matt holds him closer. "No, no, don't be sorry, it's okay. I just want to know why you're feeling so bad. I love you so much."
Russell sighed, shifting a little, moving his hand to fidget with the dainty chain around Matt's neck. "I've just been feeling like shit. I've been binding too much when I don't even need to, I've been feeling like I look wrong." Russell keeps the hand on Matt's chain still. "Like, yeah, I'm tall, and I'm kinda lanky, but I look so much like a girl, still. My cheeks are too fat and my freckles make it even worse. Might fuck around and shave all my hair off. Sometimes I'm scared that you don't love me anymore because I look like this." There are tears in his eyes by the time he finishes talking. It takes him back to the moment he came out to Matt.
Matt feels like he's been punched in the gut, kind of. He's been there, he feels the same from time to time. He just hadn't considered that someone that was so incredible in his eyes could hate themself so much.
"Russell- baby, look. Look at me." Matt pulls away a little so that he's at enough distance for them to be face-to-face. "Wait, here," he then sits up, Russell follows.
"Look, I- You're- Remember when you came out?" Russell nods. "I remember you felt like this all the time. Like, you didn't tell me every time, but I noticed. And you know what? You've always been a boy. To me, and to others. I love you so much and I love you regardless of what you look like. You pass so well, man." Matt lays his hands on the sides of Russell's face, closing the space between them and giving him a short kiss. Their foreheads stay touching when he pulls away. "You're gorgeous the way you are, okay? You're my perfect boy. With your freckles and your round face and your long hair. You don't even have to cut it if you don't want to. But you'd look good. With shaved hair, I mean," Russell smiled, and his heart felt so warm. He's loved this boy ever since he met him.
"You know what my favorite thing is? Your cute little crooked smile."
And that's what makes Russell give him that perfect joyful smile that he missed that he's so familiar with.
