Things I Wish I Could Tell Some Reviewers Without Looking Like a Total Jerk

More Examples

1. ^-^
^-^
^-^
-_-"
^-^
Are you gonna actually say anything?  I can't tell if that's a I-like-this-story emote or a It's-an-OK-story-but-I-don't-want-to-point-out-any-errors-and-be-a-bad-guy emote.
^-^"
*Face palm*

2. Neat.
Really?  I worked on this story for five years, had to fix the italics and center alignment four times, and all you can say to me is "neat"?  Really?

3. LOL
I'm pretty sure this story wasn't meant as a comedy.  And if you meant Lots of Love, I would send you more LOL if I new what you loved about my work.

4. Hey, this was a really cool story.  I have a story called ". . . . ," could you give it a chance?
Do you know why there are review boxes?  Here's a hint: it's not there for you to advertise your stories!  They're to show the good and bad of this story.  If you want to place an ad, go to the forums, send a private message, chat up some random person and slip it into a conversation, but do not disrespect me on my space by taking the focus to your story when the reviews should focus on mine.  Maybe if we actually became friends who actually have conversations with that I would tolerate this, and even read said story, but not from a one-time hot-shots who only tells me my story is "cool."  Trust me, I have plenty of those people already.
How dare you be rude to me!  You're lucky I put in a comment at all.
Oh, so you only said the first sentence on a whim?  To be honest, I would have been luckier if your advertisement was paid for.  I could have pushed the report button and called it spam.  Too bad I can't just delete comments on some sites.

5. Why do you Americans insist on spelling your words so differently?
Why do you insist on sticking a 'u' in random words and use single quotes for dialogue?
Because that's how I was taught.
Exactly.

6. Change your story, or I'll leave!
I bet you'll leave even if I did change it.

7. You shouldn't have published all of the chapters all at once.
Why not?  The series was finished.
You should have eased the chapters in after a period of a few weeks so people don't get overwhelmed.
Just because I published all twenty-five chapters in one day doesn't mean I'm forcing people to read it all in the same day.  And what of people who find the series after the few weeks?  Would they feel overwhelmed as well?  That makes absolutely no sense.
It shows that the odds of you having have edited your work is nil.
Why don't you tell me whether or not I have edited my work while you're here instead of spouting off that kind of advice.  Publishing them all in one day doesn't prove anything of whether or not I have looked over my work.  I dare you to tell me that this is unedited work.

8. This is so obvious that she's your idealized avatar for yourself!  You may as well just call her a Mary-Sue and delete the story.
How long have we known each other?
Since the first message.
Have we ever met in real life before?
No.
So you really don't know me, right?
That's right.
So how can you say that the character is an idealized avatar—may as well call it a glorified self-insert—and yet have never met me?  (1) Get some proof before you start making up your own connection, and (2) there isn't anything wrong with writing self-inserts whether it be in part, or be an entire self-insert. 

9. Oh my god!  Mary-Sue alert!
Oh my god!  A troll who can't explain their opinions with proof alert!

10. I am enjoying this story, but, and I hate to say this, your main character is a Mary-Sue because of:
(1)  she is obviously a self-insert.
See the second review above this one.
(2)  she is paired up with a canon character who already has a love interest, and even has a kid with him. (If this is fan fiction.)
(3)  she is related to a canon character.  (If this is fan fiction.)
(4)  the story focuses on your OC.  (If this is fan fiction.)
This is fan fiction.  I don't have to follow the canon material, and I enjoy writing with canonxOC pairings.  There is nothing "Mary-Sueish" about that.
(5)  she has super-model beauty, is smart, and has all of these powers.
So there's no one in the universe who can have beauty, brains, and brawn?  Wow, I didn't know I was supposed to limit my character so much, even to the end of the story.
(6)  she has no flaws or weaknesses.
There is more to flaws and weaknesses than just physical marks or having a flaw in personality.  I can't just list them in a story to make it obvious.
(7)  she's too genetically diverse.
Do you know what the record is for being genetically diverse?  17.  That's right, it's in the double digits.  My character can be black, oriental, Latino, south-Asian, eastern European, western European, Caucasian American, and half a dozen other races.  Yes, the record holder is from the Pygmy and bushmen tribes, but it shows that it's still possible for a person to be so diverse and not self-destruct.
(8) —
You know what?  Don't bother continuing with this list because of course my character would sound bad if you just listed everything you think is wrong with the character, and why you think she's a Mary-Sue, but let's get to the point.  I don't trust your opinion on Mary-Sues.  I don't trust anyone's opinion on Mary-Sues but my own.  These points are shallow and I have never agreed with them from the first time I've heard about Mary-Sues, and I could defend my character until I'm blue in the face, but what's the point?  You're stuck in your little box with walls made out of what other people have said about Mary-Sues without an original thought of your very own.  It's so easy to just say that my character is a Mary-Sue when you compare her to a generic list made for every character out there for literature, but have you ever asked yourself why it is I made my character this way?  How my has character developed and changed throughout the story?  No, you probably haven't.  You probably just said to yourself, 'Hey, this character has this, this, and that, so she must be a Mary-Sue' without a second thought. 
What makes you think that you're opinions are the right one?
What makes you think that you're opinions are right?
Because this is what everyone says is a Mary-Sue.
Really?  Has everyone read what Paula Smith thinks qualifies as Mary-Sue?
Who?
Exactly.