12 Years (Harry Styles Fanfiction)

Prologue

The year is 2013 now, but that's not how I keep track of time anymore.  It's more like the third year without her.  Time doesn't make it any easier, everything reminds me of her icy colored hair and soul capturing blue eyes.  She always used to say was average at best but fuck, she was wrong.  Not that she was wrong about many things, nothing I'd admit to at least.

Was.  It's a simple word that we use day after day without having to think anything of it.  Then comes the time when is becomes was and that's much harder to get used to.  Past tense for something you never thought would end.  I love her is very different from I loved her when she was alive.

Ramona.  The name that constantly fills my mind and all but kills me to mutter out loud.  So I don't, or try not to.  You would think that after four years it'd be easier.  Seeing pictures of her, sharing stories, remembering the times we spent together, I should be okay.  But I'm not.  And I'm afraid I won't ever be.

She left me two things before she left this world.  Mason and Serenity, our two beautiful children.  I know now she pushed to have them because she knew something was wrong.  Always talking about never wanting kids before that one night– but I'm getting ahead of myself.

It's around this time every year that I miss her the most.  Just a few weeks before Halloween, Ramona's favorite holiday, which is why it was also our anniversary.  Some went all out for Christmas, but not our family.  We live for pumpkins, black cats, scary stories and all the spooky things that come between.  Every year at our home we hold a huge party with friends and family.  Well, I wanted to stop that too but after a lot of nagging from her brother and my best friend, Niall, we keep it going.  To celebrate her.  It often leads to me getting way too drunk off the weird green mixture with gummy eyeballs inside and crying while holding onto her favorite flannel.

Her mom wanted her to be cremated with it but I begged her not to.  Luckily I'm so pitiful that I was allowed to keep it.  Along with a small jar of her ashes that hung on a chain around my neck.  Is that morbid?  Going on a date would be awkward with my dead wife's ashes close to my heart. 

Not that I go on dates.  No, it's more likely I'll be a widower for the rest of my life.  I've come to terms with it.  Why try to match a love that was– is perfect?  Sounds like a lifetime of disappointment to me.

"Daddy, Daddy!  Can we set up the decorations soon please?"  Mason whines while bouncing up and down.  His hair is thick and curly just like mine, only blond instead of brown.  He refuses to get it cut, wanting to be just like me.  So right now his frizzy locks sit just at his shoulders.  Like mine do.

I've thought about cutting it, but Ramona loved it long, always brushing her hands through it while we were laid up in bed.  If I cut it, it would be just another thing to let go of.

When I take too long to answer Mason jumps at my legs.  "Please!  I want to hang up the spider webs.  It was mommy's favorite part!" He doesn't really remember but Ryder talks about it so much Mason does too.

"Okay, okay buddy.  You stay up here with serenity while I go get them.  Watch her until Uncle Niall gets here.  Can you do that?"

"Yeah, because I'm the big brother.  Right Daddy?"

"That's right.  Now go."  They're a little over a year apart.  Mason being six and Serenity turning five next month.  Two kids that close in age is a handful, being a single parent makes it feel impossible most of the time.  At least I have plenty of help from her family and friends.  Sometimes my mom.

Niall is her brother, her twin actually. Arguably the only person just as fucked up over her death as I am. He's my best mate, was before I even met Ramona. I couldn't see the identical resemblance aside from the blond hair and blue eyes until she died. Now it's hard to look at him because all I see is her.