A/N:
College has been absolutely crazy these past few weeks, but I'm back for now. Happy Tuesday!
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Relax.
This word has become my new mantra over the past 24 hours or so, or at least I've tried to make it stick. Exposing myself and my true feelings to Jesy put me on edge, so much so that I am now anxious about everything. Even the tiniest detail, like the position of a pillow on the couch or a wrinkle in my bed sheets, can set me off.
After our studio session, I came home extremely tired, intending to get some sleep. Instead, I spent a few hours staring at the wall, battling my inner self. We argued over the stupidity of my actions, confessing to Jesminda, and the stress and fear I began to feel over eventually having to do the same with Perrie.
A more dominant part of me knows that that conversation between the two of us would only end in complete and utter embarrassment. I'd most likely be in tears and Little Mix would be over, my friendship with Perrie ruined forever. However, a smaller, less influential portion of myself considered an alternative situation involving absolutely no tears; it believed the exchange would be painless.
Clearly, the latter is unrealistic as my blonde best friend and bandmate of three years is happily engaged and undoubtedly straight.
She loves Zayn. She's going to marry Zayn, I internally repeat to myself as I mindlessly flick through the channels on the tv in search of something good to watch.
I am finding that I have to continually remind my subconscious self that my happiness is an unobtainable and impractical goal in life or else I will mistakenly trick myself into believing that things will work out in the end. In the last 24 hours, I have repeatedly allowed false hope to rear its ugly head in the hopes of somehow beating the angel of eternal misery at a sport it knows too well. No amount of tricks or fancy mind games, however, can possibly make this situation work in my favor.
I see the way she looks at Zayn, how she talks about him in our interviews. She loves him with her whole heart—they're fucking getting married in a bit. Life is going incredibly well for her and finding out about my not-so-silly attraction to her would complicate everything, and I'd rather just be friends with Perrie than nothing at all.
But what about the small chance that she likes you back, my subconscious tries again, urging me to explore the possibility of the impossible.
Sighing at the most recent and immensely uncalled for thought, I rise from my newfound comfortable spot on my couch and begin to pace the perimeter of the living room. With each step, I more closely and carefully consider the most probable outcomes of telling Perrie and weigh my options.
The first scenario consists of me pouring out the contents of my heart and her coldly rejecting me. It ends with tears, tears, and more tears, a slightly upset Perrie, and the end to Little Mix as we know it. After she finds out, the entire situation is intolerable and she asks to take a break from group work which ultimately leads to her quitting. With three of four members left, we collectively decide that we don't want to continue and thus, Little Mix dies.
None of what happens in this outcome is ideal because I'd not only be embarrassed, but I would also be out of a job and a friendship: two things I care about deeply.
The second is a little less dramatic and unrealistic. Perrie is still a little upset, but instead of leaving the group, she awkwardly carries on, very noticeably keeping her distance from me. She's extremely sympathetic of me and my feelings but finds it particularly difficult to address me or the situation.
