Diaries of a Teenage Writer

Something You'd Never Know

October 24, 2018

Based on the way I write (if you read my stories), you'd think I was funny, very out-going, cool, and happy. On most days, I am. Keyword: most days. Not all the time do I crack jokes or am in the best mood.

In reality, I probably cry every week or go into a mode where I stay to myself to the point where I feel crying. I may seem happy in front of people, but really I'm not.

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with minor depression by my therapist. It was minor at the time because that's when I first started developing it.  Living with my dad only made it worse.

Through those times, I cried everyday without fail. I used to cut myself, think about killing myself, and stayed to myself at home all the time. That was because everyday I was getting mentally abused. 

Now you'd think physical abuse would cause that but when you're 14 and your dad calls you an ungreatful bitch and cuts you out of the world, then you grow to hate life.

I used to hate myself too. My step mom is white, so she made my hate being who I am. She would never let me get my locs (my hairstyle at the time) retwisted or even do it myself. It was gonna be done, it be done by her and that would always be messy. 

I was always punished harshly for things too. My dad would either take the door to my room, take my clothes and make me wear his, make me stay in my room and only come out to eat and clean, or he'd actually hit me (which surprisingly was rare..)

But, I live with depression every single day. I don't live with him now, but the things I endured (because there's a lot more than what I'm actually telling you) causes me a lot of pain.

My minor depression is now severe depression. I don't take medicine for it because they make you fat and only make it tolerable and doesn't help. I don't talk to a therapist anymore because I don't know how to tell my mom that her kid is going through a depression (it's partially because of her too). I just don't know.

I guess I just live with it. I live everyday like this. My only real remedy to it is writing (which was another thing my dad took away). Writing helps me relieve pain and it helps me get over whatever is going on. 

I just don't know... I try my hardest to be happy, I really do. I've only went maybe a full month without crying (but I can't really deny the fact that I went an entire month crying) and I honestly don't know. 

I took a depression test too just to see if it got any better. It didn't. They all said the same thing: I have severe depression. 

I don't really know why I'm telling you all this... I guess I'm venting? I don't know. 

That's all I guess. I don't really feel like putting in the extra effort of putting in the song I listened to while writing this but it was Sledgehammer by Rihanna. I'm going off to bed now.. I hope you guys are having a good day.

Jae...