l o v e s a c r u e l p l a c e

IV

When you're depressed.

Everyone is gonna say you're gonna get out of that place, but no one shows you the way out.

Everyone thinks therapy is the way out, its not.

Its like, you're a foreigner and you can't speak their language and you're trying to get to a place but no one seems to understand you.

and the more they try to help you the more you feel lost.

I've lost myself alot of times already, I dont even think Im still there.

I've tried loving myself before anyone else but I don't even think i really do.

My friends always tell me they're there for me, they are but.

I still feel alone and sometimes i feel like a burden, They say im not but..

I know I am, I always am maybe thats why she left.

I remembered in 4th grade I tried killing myself.

I was in the bathroom at my house, I was going to my room and near it was our bathroom, I was alone the house was quite lonely.

It felt empty, the slow drip of the water coming from the faucet was heard.

I found myself staring at myself, for some reason a tear cascaded from my eye and not a moment later i opened the faucet closed the hole of the sink stared at the sink as water filled it, I took some sleeping pills as i waited sleepiness seeping in.

I closed my eyes and dunked my head in the water, I had always had a fear of shallow parts of the ocean every time i took a bath and I would close my eyes I'd see a vision infront of me was a shallow part of the sea and I'd start to shake and furiously wipe the water out of my face breathing heavily.

I also had a phobia of sounds starting low but was slowly going high, and i hated it.

I opened my eyes still under the water, and slowly lost breath and i slowly lost conscience.

An hour perhaps?or I didn't know that time but i wish it was a day before my parents came home, maybe i would be dead.

I woke up in the hospital, I heard my mom and dad talking, someone was crying.

See? They only care when you're about to die, people don't appreciate something when they have it.

They take it for granted.

Anyways, Im in a Dark road my car drifting with the wind, getting faster as i step on the pedal longer.

My eyes start to get blurry as i start crying.

"Such a crybaby" i said to myself.

"God, just take me already" i said as i remove my hand on the wheel and step on the pedal with more pressure.

As if on cue someone called. It was her.

"I love you, I still do goodbye"

"W-what,h-hades wai-" she said but she couldn't finish it as i ended the call.

I stared at the road ahead it was a cliff but someone called, it was mom.

i stepped on the brake and drifted the car with an emotionless face staring at the view in front of me i looked at my right and saw the edge of the cliff, I chuckled, you can't save me now.

"Next time" i said "Next time." I added And answered the call.

Goodnight everyone.

-author