Holy Crap, I'm Aroace

My Story

Let's start with the signs, shall we?

So a huge issue I've always had with myself is that when I thought I had a crush on someone and confessed, I would instantly lose any feelings towards them.

I had no clue why! I just thought my mind was protecting itself, which was reasonable because I block out bad memories often. What harm could it do blocking out something that could potentially hurt you?

Obviously everything. This led me to believe I was Demisexual, so I would have some explanation.

I always felt like I had to be in some category. I always knew I was involved the LGBTQ+ community, but I had yet to find out how. I didn't want others to think I just wanted to be involved in something "popular", so I kept it to myself.

I always questioned myself and wondered why I always lost feelings and if my crushes were actual crushed.

Then, one of my friends mentioned having a friend crush on somebody. She explained it's a crush, but a platonic one; where you just really want to be their friend.

Suddenly I thought all of my crushes were platonic. I ignored any "crush" I had and brushed it off as: "I just wanted to be their friend."

I went for months with this thinking. I had another "crush" on someone and told them, and the minute I did every thing went away.

Even imagining confessing my "feelings" made them go away.

I was so confused and distorted.

I blamed my age and ignorance.

Then, I watched an advice video from the artist Cavetown. Someone asked a question about being Aromantic, and he said he was on the spectrum as well. He briefly explained that since he couldn't fall in love, he just loved his friends incredibly.

I debated on the Aro topic for a while, but shoved it to the side with the excuse that: "I have been in love."

Little did I know.

Then for months I wondered if all my past relationships really were love.

In every single relationship I kept telling myself that I should feel something; that I was supposed to. Yet even after tearing myself apart it didn't happen.

I thought something was wrong with me, or that I wasn't close enough to that person to be in love yet.

Through this whole time, I took my frustration out on my body image. I hated my body for months! I believed no one could love my body, because I sure as hell didn't.

I felt as if my breasts were too small. That my buttocks were too flat. That my body was too straight. That my waist wasn't thin enough. That my hips weren't wide enough. That my shoulders were too broad.

I hated my body.

I got into another relationship, since I had eyes on this person for exactly 10 weeks and I thought that was long enough to develop feelings. But after a while, I discovered I just loved them as a good friend.

This is a bit off track, but in 5th grade a had a sort of "boyfriend". I didn't have feelings for him at all; I was completely numb. Yet I told myself I should, that I had to somehow.

He once kissed me on the cheek, and I hated that feeling more than anything.

Back on track now.

I love my friends and family more than I've loved any love interest.

I look to my friends more as family then any boyfriend/girlfriend.

Speaking of, I even tried dating two girls, thinking I might be Bisexual.

I still felt nothing.

But I persisted.

I read romance a lot, it's my favorite genre. I understand signs of crushes and flirting, but if anyone did it to me, I always did it back in a joking manner.

I can't actually flirt.

I think I love romance so much because it makes me feel like I understand what being in love is like, I just can't ever experience it.

I've dreamt of kissing and it never felt right.

I've thought of having sex and it's disgusted me.

I've masturbated and it felt so wrong.

I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Then, out of the blue, I decided to look up how it felt to be Aromantic.

I came upon a page that listed other peoples experiences with feeling this way, and I realized I felt the exact same way.

I related to everything they said without fail.

I suddenly got incredibly excited and relieved, while also a little nervous.

I was still in a relationship (that I felt nothing in but didn't have to heart to break it to them).

I researched some more, rewatched Cavetown's video, listened to songs over it, I even went on a Instagram hashtag to find more things I related to.

Up to that point I never felt that I belonged in anything. I felt like I was my own person without a community.

But after all of that exposure to the Aroace community, I suddenly felt that I belonged.

Before I came to accepting it, I thought of what I would have to do to "live a happy life."

I want children, that's no doubt, but I didn't want to have sex to bare one.

Would I have to work extra hard to have a fulfilling career?

Would my friends leave me?

Would I overall feel lonely?

But then I told myself that when the time comes, that's when I'll deal with those insecurities.

After accepting that I was on the Aroace spectrum, my body image changed drastically.

I suddenly appreciated my body and accepted it.

I accepted my face, since if I couldn't love anyone who would have to like my face, why hate it?

I accepted my flaws, my likes/dislikes.

I liked the thought of only having to impress myself.

I thought about the pros of being Aroace.

I could go to whatever restraunts I desire without someone else's opinion.

I could do whatever I want to my appearence.

I could travel with best friends without having to worry about someone I didn't really love.

I could get whatever pets I want!

I liked all the pros a lot.

So to this day, I'm still questioning myself on a lot of things, but while I'm on the Aroace spectrum, I dont have to stress myself on how long it took.

In conclusion,

Holy crap, I'm Aroace.