I tried. I love, I give, I try, I care. So why? After giving everyone what they need to feel loved and cared for -like they have someone to run to- why do I only receive pain? I don't know how many times I have said it's not that simple to just stop; to just not care anymore. I'm not the kind of person to give up on someone even if they cause me pain. I'm not sure why, it's such an unhealthy trait to have. I find myself unable to talk about my problems. I fill up with all of my own pain and others feeling: used, confused, lost, upset,and frustrated. It builds and builds until it's nothing. Why not talk about it? Clear your mind and get rid of it all. I have, that only caused more pain in the end though. As strange as that sounds it's the truth. I hold secret after secret and so many feelings and hide them. When I try to talk about them I'm either ignored or it spills and all the sudden I'm in a bad spot. Then nothing. It's a viscous cycle. I'm not a bad kid: drugs -I would never, smoking -gross, alcohol -disgusting, cheating- what's the point, sneaking out- where would I go, liar -what's the point? I have a good life too both parents I have a house and food on the table. How could I be depressed? I'm only a high school student I don't have anything to stress about, right? So what's so wrong? Why does it matter what others say or think you will be okay. Sure one day I will be but right now it's hard. The loneliness all of this comes with is hard. I even have a boyfriend and it still eats me up inside -I have no clue if he even knows. Someone just please I don't want to die but I don't want to live. The pain is everything but I feel nothing. The help I need is nowhere to be found, even after my loudest calls. Please I need help. Yet still nothing. I could look someone in the eye and yell it and still they would think it's a joke. So it sits there for weeks at a time painful in everything I do yet nothing all at once. Until someone says those four words. The words that help me stand, that shatter all of the pain: let me help you. Everything will be okay. Until the time where it happens again and the person that helped this one time is no longer there and once again I suffer the void of pain and nothing that will forever reside within my soul. But you are only a high schooler it won't always be like this stop being so dramatic. Please tell me when was the last time you were happy and innocent. When no matter what the people closest to you couldn't hurt you. When was the last time your friend stopped to make sure you were alright. I can promise it doesn't happen often but I can also say that work is really what keeps you from what we go through. We as teenagers see the same people every single day for a year no one new everyday it's always the same at work you see different people everyday a different co worker different costumers a new boss maybe a regular. We do this for 13+ years all the same people around us it never changes until it's over. That's the difference. You may not have to worry about upsetting someone you may not see them the next day but if we upset someone, we do see them the next day not only that but now their friends know and you see them too. Every single day. Oh and who knows maybe those friends want to start a fight because of the person upset. If we get caught who gets in trouble in the schools. The victim. Why? Because the teachers only see the second punch. So hurting someone will hurt you in various ways physical or mental and holding someone else's pain makes it harder. Oh that's just high school you'll be fine grow up. Remember I care I can't let go and I can't talk about it. No one listens or everyone finds out. I can't ask for help people think it's a joke. So please tell me how to get rid of the days of pain and nothing. Or is your only helpful answer walk around as an empty shell until that one person says: let me help.
