Do you bury or plant?

Untitled Part 1

I'm a young, successful, beautiful, vivacious woman. I'm bubbly, upbeat, encouraging to others, and usually have a smile on my face. I am financially independent, humorous, witty, clever, sexy, confident etc. I am also a survivor of an overwhelming amount of psychological trauma. If you were to secretly watch my every move for a day this would shock you. I look like a girl that has it all together that is surely the result of a healthy upbringing. I'm going to be more raw and vulnerable and admit things That for most of my life I couldn't even admit to myself.  All of this can't be for nothing my story has to have a purpose and if it helps another lost, fucked up human being  just trying to find their way, that counts for something. The majority of my family is what most would call "plain white trash". I was born to a single mother with four children. My biological father whom I never knew was a convicted child molester, my cousin being one of his victims. My sister is a junkie, my aunt as well (now deseased) I've got a sting of wild cousins, my grandmother was married 11 times (still single today)my brothers are both felons, depression has caused suicide multiple times in this family tree..  I can whole heartily say I never had anyone in my family to look up to as a child. I would look around me and even at a young age I knew I wanted to be nothing like them. Every where I turned seemed hopeless so I chose to live in my head. I read books created fantasy lives for myself. My mother was dating a drunk that would get  Violet  so I'd take my brother and sister outside to hide. I wanted to be a singer I knew I would be rich and famous and I would save us from our lives. I would force them  to be my audience and sing as loudly as I could to drown out the screaming. I  wanted  to make them forget what our  reality was inside that trailer. When I became an adult after many years of struggling to find myself I began trying to find others. I birthed an obsession for getting to know people on a deep level and finding out what made them who they are. I believe each of us are shaped into who we are by life experiences. Too many of us take our pain and bury it as deeply as we can. . We want to hide it in the darkness forget it ever happened. We let shame and pain rob us of the reward those things can offer. We should be planting our traumas  and with the right soil. Letting it finally produce something beautiful. Let's talk about the soil.