Not Mine To Lose (A Scomiche fanfic)

After The Katylouges

"I think I'm ready." I said for the millionth time. We had practiced this until we knew it inside and out, forwards and backwards, in our sleep, and in seventeen different languages. I felt my stare turn into a dreamy gaze and listened as my voice quivered in a way it only did when I talked to Scott.  I felt a tear enter my eye and wiped it away before he could notice. Being unsucessful, he grabbed my hand, concerned. 

"Mitch are you okay? You seem a little off." If only he knew. 

"Yeah, I'm fine."  I assured him. "I think we've rehearsed this enough. Let's film this thing!" I say loudly, as I stand up and approach the camera in the far corner. He follows.

"Are you sure?" He asks again, not giving up on the idea that something was bothering me, and in all honesty, no. I wasn't okay. I'd say I'm a fairly good actor, but I'm not that good. I'm not okay because even though we're just quoting Katy Perry lyrics, I mean every single word I say, when I know he didn't. How could he? He had Alex. Perfect, sexy, flawless Alex and I was just... me. I'm not okay because I couldn't give him half the things that Alex could. My love could never compare to his, I would never be good enough for him.

I'm not okay because these are the thoughts that haunt my every waking hour. I'm not okay because he loved me first, he was in love with me while I was with Travis. Stupid, fucking, cheating Travis. Now the tables have turned and I wasn't able to realise how in love with him I was until after he had gotten over me and found somebody else.

"Yeah, Scott, trust me, I'm fine. I just...got really into character I guess." Even I didn't believe me.

"If you say so." He replies in a sing-songy voice,  strolling back to the couch.

"I'm serious! I'm perfectly fine! There is not a single goddamn thing wrong with me!" I yell, getting slightly annoyed. Not at Scott, but at myself,  why couldn't  I just tell him?

"Okay, fine. I won't help anymore." Scott shot back, as I joined him on the couch.

We began to film the video, and everything went exactly as rehearsed. Then I got to that line again.

"I think I'm ready." I say with just as much realness and passion as I had last time. Luckily this time, no tears were shed.

After Scott turned the camera off, I looked over to him, to find that he was already staring.  

"What?" 

"Nothing, it's just..." He heaves a sigh. "I worry about you sometimes Mitchie. You've recently developed this way about you. I don't know." He grabs my hand again. I was too focused on what he was saying to get excited about it, but I was, in the back of my mind.

"It's like you wanna tell me something, but are too afraid to. You can tell me anything. You know that right?"  I looked up at him and his flawless face. He had no idea how badly I just wanted to break down and tell him everything. All of the reasons why I was not okay. I had to tell him.

"Scott?" 

"Yes, Mitch?"  Just as I was about to open my mouth to speak, we hear a knock at the door. Perfect! 

"Hold that thought." He says in the polite, shivelrous, way he always does, and gets up to answer it. 

"Oh my God! Baby! What are you doing here?" I hear Scott screech down the hall.  My heart suddenly turned into a thousand pound boulder and sank to my stomach. 

Scott soon rejoins me in the living room holding hands with Alex. Our unexpected visitor. 

"I was in the neighborhood, and thought I'd take my favorite guy out to dinner." He wrapped his arms around Scott's neck, kissed him on the cheek, and   I just couldn't help but scoff at him and his fake romantic gesture. There's nothing I hate more when people say: "I was in the neighborhood." Bitch, why can't you just admit you missed them and want to go out of your way for them? Are you too proud for that? They both ignored me, and continued to shut me out. 

"That sounds amazing." Scott replied in his sexier than usual- sexy voice. He and Alex start kissing passionately and I had to get up to leave before I started bawling on the couch right in front of them. 

I run into the bathroom and slam the door. God, I hate Alex! Not just because I'm in love with his boyfriend, but he always seems to come along and fuck up everything just when the time is right. It's like he fucking knows something. I'm so damn sick and tired of just not saying shit anymore for fear that Alex is gonna come along and ruin everything. I can't live like that anymore. 

I feel myself fall to my knees. The bathroom floor was cold and comforting. The tile felt nice against my skin. I lay down on my side and let the tears rush down. I felt everything come back to me at once, each memory hurting more than the last. Each feeling like a gunshot wound in various parts of my body. 

Once the bathroom floor was soaked with tears and I felt like I couldn't cry anymore, I stand up and look at myself in the mirror. Wondering just how exactly I got to this state. And thinking about how much I didn't want to be there anymore. Down the hall, I hear Scott and Alex giggling to each other as they grab their shoes and head out the door. I strain my ears to hear it shut. I wait a few seconds, then a thought suddenly hits me. 

He's not my boyfriend he's Alex's. I have to stop stressing out over losing Scott to Alex because he's not mine. And never will be. I can't lose what I never had, he's not mine to lose. 

I can't let Alex hurt me anymore, he's Scott's boyfriend, he should have the right to be cute with him whenever he wants around whoever he wants. Though I still couldn't shake the feeling that he was out to get me, I couldn't think that just because I wanted what he had. 

But what bothered me the most was that I walked around for weeks with a sullen face and acting all depressed, and Scott noticed but didn't say anything. He didn't say a single word until he saw me cry. He must not care as much as I thought he did. And that hurt. I couldn't let them hurt me anymore. 

They can't hurt me, only I can hurt me. Maybe if I had physical wounds he would say something maybe then he would care. I reach over and open the medicine cabinet where we keep our spare razor blades. I stare down at my perfectly smooth, uninjured wrist, thinking carefully about what I wanted to do, so I wouldn't regret the scar it would leave. 

Finally, I put the blade to my skin and carve an SH. Just above the inside of my elbow. I watch the blood gush out furiously, and do nothing to stop it. Soon the blood runs out, and the fresh wound scabs over. I walk out of the bathroom and into my bedroom, temporarily happy with what I've done. Only I could supply my war wounds. 

A/N: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY NEW FIC! I'M SORRY IF THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS A BIT TOO INTENSE. I WAS JUST IN A DARKER PLACE I GUESS. I WAS GONNA HAVE SCOTT AND MITCH TOGETHER RIGHT AWAY, BUT THEN THERE'D BE NO STORY, THEN I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO BRING IN ALEX, JUST PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS. xoxoxoxoxoxo