It all started with every girls around saying that they have this crush on you..
At the moment, am still innocent but I go with the flow, and admitted that maybe I am too..
Who wouldn't be.. you are the smartest boy in the class. you are cute and adorable.. You got good eyes that seem to hide whenever you smile..
and yes, that breathtaking smile and that dimple.. as you say, the killer smile.. and I can't say more..
I cannot fathom the idea that you will give me credit or any bit of your attention..
You got these good girls around you, the same with your intellect, and of course, you are busy studying maybe, I don't have any idea..
Yet each moment we shared is still with me.. It may be ordinary for you, and you might really can't remember..
But for me, its still me with me. It never leaves me..
They are good memories that makes me smile.. always..
I remebered that when we had this small opportunity to play after class, everybody is out going home and we were left inside the classroom..
We had a good laugh, and you nearly hugged me.. It's not really something then, as I walked home I realized, the smile never left my face..
It seems innocent at that time, maybe because for once I enjoyed being at school..
Years passed, we're still classmates, I got no idea how am keeping up being with the 'first' section.. yet here I am..
I remembered you having your moments, standing beside our teacher your back on us, I saw you lift your arms, covering your eyes, your shoulders shaking.. I know, you're cryinng.. I wonder what seems to be the problem..
Other boys have transferred to our section, your population are not too many..
So having them diverted the attention of some girls.. some were still loyal, you being their crush, I heard someone giving you a codename even.
You admitted once (when we happen to talk and reminisce these moments), that it made you jealous, that you're not having the same attention..
We got the chance to enter a certain contest out of school.. So, some of the participants including both of us stayed after school for training..
I think it got me the chance to know you better, or got the chance to see you with not so many people around..
I remembered when you invited me over your house, so I went, you introduced me to your Lola, and we clicked, we chatted some, and you walked me home..
I remembered that you are the first male classmate I introduced to my father.. We are crossing the highway going to the nearby bookstore (I forgot the reason), and the jeepney my father was driving at the time stopped infront of us and I introduced you.. I still feel guilty because we are caught.. not because that I am with a boy, partly maybe, but because we are still kids and we just crossed the highway and its dangerous.. my father let us ride the jeepney and dropped us at the bookstore..
Our last year being classmates, some of us are being so curious with love and boyfriends, the physical changes.. I just listen, I observe..
We've become closer.. Autographs are everywhere.. I insisted that you write my name as one of your 'BESTFRIENDS' beside your two male friends..
And you did.. it gives me peace, I don't care whether you were forced.. haha.. We got closer, you asking me to sit beside you during free hours.. you like hugging me, even leaning to my shoulders.. It felt home, they even thought that we had something.. How I wish.. You tell me who got your interest from one girl to another, you asked me who I like.. I just smiled..
We had endless hours on the phone.. talking about whatnots.. I feel it necessary, afraid that I might lose you.. You told me that you liked my bestfriend.. I don't know how to react, i just supported you.. She's also my bestfriend.. if will make you both happy..
Graduation came, I met your sisters, I still remember her telling me, "Sana ikaw nalang yung gusto ni kuya".. I just smiled at her, and patted her hair.. I love the idea, on the back of my mind, it seems impossible.. You decided to go after my bestfriend on her school, because am going to a different one..
Only to find out that she's not actually enrolled there..
We had our transition periods.. But I tried to keep up.. I still call you if I have time.. though you are not always available.. You told me about your school, your classmates.. One day I went over your house, we talk lots, you told me you had your first kiss, I asked what was it like.. and your answer seems a blur.. I wish you luck.. And I told myself.. I want you to be my FIRST..
You had another, and I am always updated how it had been.. Until finally you had your greatest crush to become your girlfriend.. you are enjoying highschool, not with the academics but having your passion in dancing, having your girl with you.. I am happy for you...
College, I found out that we are going to enter the same university.. It's a chance to be together again..
But I try not to push my chances.. We took different programs..
My circle of friends knows you.. You got along well..
College seems so fast, I can't keep up on what's really happening, been busy and I very seldom see you.. you're always with your group..
I still have ocassional sleepovers.. We sleep together, beside each other, no more than that.. we are comfortable actually, it's very hard to wake you.. you sleep like a log.. I like staring at you when you sleep..
A friend of yours are shocked upon learning that we've known each other for long, and even exclaimed "bakit di ka niya niligawan?" I just smiled at him and shrugged..
You got blinded with love once.. I cannot blame you, my friends tell me that I should tell you what I feel, and I don't.. Maybe am afraid, but am hurting being an audience, and I know I could do something.. But I let it happen, you got hurt.. I just hope, you learned your lesson..
I've still been the good friend.. I am your company when you are mending.. that's my role.. and I'm satisfied..
Graduation.. We are definitely to go our separate lives.. We need to start anew.. Yet you are still one of the people in this world that I feel the need to look after..
I had a boyfriend.. He made me happy.. I loved him, it did not end well.. I had another one, and we've been together for years..
Yet I still feel that you still have a space here.. only for you..
My friend says am being delusional.. am still expecting something? am still looking forward? I don't know.. But they keep telling me that you should know.. How? You did not bother ask.. So what now? Until when?
One thing is certain, and at this moment I realized,
I love loving you...
even if it hurts..
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