Why I'll Likely Die Alone

November 3, 2018

I've started writing letters to people I care about. I'll leave this one here:

You've always got something negative to say about what I'm doing.
You take the things that I do and say. The things you don't understand and instead of asking or learning like you used to. . .

You berate me.
You belittle me.
As if I'm the one confused in the situation.

You overcomplicate things. (Italics)
Oh do I?
But why would I only overcomplicate things you don't understand?

I do what I like and what I want. If I want to wear a dress, do my makeup, and put on a fancy masquerade mask one night, then so be it.
Maybe the next morning when it's time to act, I only do the makeup bit. That's fine too! My plans to act for myself theorhetically don't affect anyone else.

I like doing my makeup because it's the less expensive, more time efficient version of painting or drawing, and now that I'm too old to afford doing either, it's what I have left.

You should understand scraping the bottom of a barrel for solutions.

But we should also address the times when I do go all out and exceed expectations, you wonder why. Simple. I felt like it that time.

One would think that a definitive decision from the most indecisive person you know-- to do something positive would stand out as something not to knit pick at. Guess not.

I like dressing up sometimes to show people I don't always not care about my self presentation--
and I refuse to wear a mask that fancy without extending the pattern onto my face in glitter and eyeshadow, so there's that.

My inside voice is either below a whisper or yelling.
Everything else is few and far between.
I'm a very pasionate person and you're one of the few people that I actually would waste a day justifying myself to.

Thanks to my family, I'm yelling match bound on sight.
And thanks 
to yours, so are you of course. Don't deny it.
I've watched you all argue for years about nothing.

We could go at it for days.
About nothing. That's how I know we're family now. That's how you should know.

I think the fact that we love one another so much is why we care about the effort it takes the other to perform menial tasks. The things the other person does that we find stupid.

At this point we aren't forced to love each other, but forced to resist the urge of telling the other person they're cancelled for the day.

And sonetines. . . Some days, I wonder why I still care what you think.
Sometimes I just don't care anymore.
Either way, it does get increasingly frustrating to love you so much.