Secrets

A quick look around to see if anybody is there. No. I’m safe. No, that’s a lie. The thing that I’m not safe from is myself. Any moment I could lose control and that would be it. At times I wish someone would catch me. But now, no. If they did they wouldn’t understand. No-one can because it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t been through it.

They’d ask why would you do it, you’re only hurting yourself. Little do they know that the reason why. Because in that split second you get the wave of pain comes over you, all you can think about is that and nothing else. It’s almost as if nothing’s happened, you don’t remember the problems that were crowding your mind before. But you know it won’t keep them gone forever which is why you repeat the process.

But is it worth always looking over your shoulder knowing no-one’s there but there’s a part of you that’s kind of hoping that maybe someone was, that maybe if they saw what you’d done they would understand. But no, I know the truth they’d say it was stupid or that I was attention seeking. But no-one ever looks behind the ‘I’m fines’.

If only they knew that I was losing myself more every day, would they care? I don’t know anymore. I feel the control slipping but I no longer care. I feel as though I just want to give up. I know I can’t so I will just sit there and smile, keep quiet and go about my day. As always. I wonder if a day will come where I won’t even bother anymore. The secret is mine, but how much longer is it going to poison my mind until I finally give it to it?