We drive up to the hospital,
And my memories return.
Of a time long ago,
Where she waited for death.
That was about a year ago,
When she laid in bed with family by her side.
When she lay unconscious as her body shut down.
I was only ten,
And thought she would be fine just the next day.
But she never got better,
She just got worse.
But was sucked the most,
Was those darn nurses.
They told me that since I was too young,
And could get sick.
They told me that I couldn't go see her,
Even though I loved her.
Even though I would never see her once she died.
But those freaking nurses told me no.
Said no to me crying for my dying grandmother.
The one who read me nursery rhymes when I was younger,
Who told me stories of her childhood.
They told me no.....
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My grandfather asks me what my fondest memory of her is,
And I start crying.
"Whenever I saw her, I instantly got happy. "
But now when I hear her name,
I only cry....
__________________________________________
-Clove
This is based on a true life event. One year ago my Grandmother died. She wasn't just any other grandmother. She was the type of grandmother who I saw at least twice a week. Then one day she caught pneumonia, she recovered but then had to go back. The day she went back was Thanksgiving. Later that day she was put in hospice. Thanksgiving day was awful. We spent the whole morning in the hospital not sure what was going to happen. We ended up having to leave the hospital and have the dinner at home without her. That night was the first time I saw my grandfather cry. We were saying thanks before eating and then he asked God to bring Gener home and then he started to cry....
I was at my dojo one day when my mom called. My instructor or sensei as most people would say, handed me the phone and told me I could go to the office to talk. My mom said that Gener (what I called my grandmother) was going to Heaven. I told her I understood but secretly I thought that everyone would be proved wrong and that she would live. When I came out of the office at my dojo my instructor asked if I was fine. I told her yes but cried inside.
We went to visit my grandmother just a week later. We walked down the halls of the hospital and I felt like there were people before me who had to take this same walk down the halls. Who had to hold back tears and think that their family member would be okay. Now that I think about it, right now at this very moment I bet there is a little girl who is reliving my past. Right now she's walking down the halls to see her grandmother who's in hospice, who is dying. Right now she is about to have what I am about to tell you, happen to her....
I walked into my grandmothers final room, instantly seeing everyone around her crying. My mother tries to stay strong and tries not to cry but I can still tell she has been and still is. We sit and talk and I give her a picture I had made in art class. It was a monkey. My Gener when she was five or six wanted a pet monkey and so she received a stuffed monkey. I thought this was as close as a monkey I could give her since she only got a stuffed one when she was young. My grandfather comes over to me and sits down saying Gener will be fine. Then he asked me if I remembered that song called "Puppy in the window." He started singing it eventually began to cry as he sang it. I didn't even realize it but I started to cry. Now when I hear that song I still can't help but cry again.
After my mom told me it was time to go home, I walked over to Gener. I looked at her while she just laid there. I've heard of a thing that people who are unconscious are still awake but just can't move their body. They can still hear and think but it's like their trapped in their own mind. I figured that's was what she was dealing with now. I told her I loved her and had to go and that's when she mumbled something. For a split moment, I actually thought she would sit up and live. But she didn't, I walked to the door and just before leaving I turned around to say goodbye. I heard everyone crying and figured if I said goodbye that for some strange reason everyone would cry even more. Instead I made a promise to say goodbye next time I would see her. So I just shut the door and left. That was the last time I ever saw her though.....
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Later that week on a Thursday she died. My mom said it was around six in the morning, what's strange though is that I woke up around six in the morning, 30 minutes before I had to get up for school. I found out that she had died later that night, when my mom told me on the driveway. I remember her exact words:
"Sweetie, Gener we to Heaven today."
Later that year, I learned that when she had mumbled those words that I was the last one she talked to. And now I wonder what she said. All I do know is that one day, when I finally do die and go to Heaven, I will find out what she tried to tell me.
__________________________________________
I'm at my Gener's memorial. Family members are saying their memories about Gener. My mother finishes up and just as Jeff the priest is about to start the next part of the memorial, I stand up to talk. I didn't even know what I was going to say so I just said the first thing that came to my mind.
"My Gener taught me how to cook." Then I continued on explaining a story about a time she was trying to teach me how to cook cookies.
At the end of the memorial, Jeff the priest said some words.
"When a family member dies, we cannot say goodbye but instead say 'see you in Heaven' ."
Those words will forever echo in my head....
__________________________________________
Now I am leaving the hospital. As we drive away from the place where I was born and where my Grandmother died,
I know it's wrong but I say:
"Goodbye."
And I fulfill by promise to say goodbye to her that I made long ago.....
*Please ignore my awful grammar mistakes and I'm sorry if all of this doesn't make sense. I tried my best to explain my Gener's story.*
