Things that come to your head after midnight

Witch watched watch

I have this watch. it wasn't expensive. in fact, it was quite cheap. it has two blue stripes, two white stripes and one red stripe in the middle. I keep it in my left hand.

and I love it. I wear it all the time. maybe it's the fact I can always see what time it is. but it can't be the main reason; I can't see it at night.

so I guess it's the ticking noise. it makes me feel like time's passing (as it is).

you know, sometimes during late hours of the night, it feels like time has stopped. you stare at your ceiling and that stupid dream catcher that has no point in existing as you never sleep or dream anyway. and you just sort of stop.

you feel so much it makes you feel nothing (yes, that quote is probably from Pinterest)

and maybe you have an earworm. maybe you can hear the chorus of Eminem's Phenomenal. it is messy and weird chorus so it fits your thoughts. but that's not the point.

the point is
the feeling in your heart like it is melting and freezing at the same time
and you hold your breath until you take this sudden and subconscious breath which feels like a jump scare from a horror movie
because it was so silent and surreal and that breath makes you feel alive again

it is not fucking nice breath, okay?
it's a loud noise, like a gunshot

and as the night lives its life you begin to notice things

for example,
there are lots of voices in your head
the one rapping endlessly
then there's that annoying bitch that complains about everything
not to forget those fucking basic human needs
and last but not least, the waves of depression
sometimes they make you feel calm

but that's just fake

when depression is calm it's just wild
you know, when the sea is so calm that there are no waves
and it's wrong

that's how calm depression feels like
(yes I used a waveless sea as a metaphor for depression waves, don't judge me)

getting back to the watch and the ticking

that ticking makes you feel alive in a good way
it's kinda satisfying to hear that ticking continuing and continuing, night after night

and sometimes I have to press that watch against my ear to really hear that ticking

and it makes me feel good
(for 2.7 seconds but whatever)

you can't be too picky about the good feelings
they're too fucking rare

oh, and I hate swearing too
I just watched Patrick Melrose and the swearing just stayed with me

I'm sorry
(about literally anything, you name it, I'm sorry about it)