Finding The Right Roberto

Chapter 1

My name is Kat Roberts, but I was born as Caterina Giordana Roberto in a small village in the south of Italy. I was the first and only Italian in my ever so Italian family to be born in the village, where the Robertos hailed from, for over 80 years. My older brother and my baby sister where lucky enough to be born somewhere exotic like Dubai or cool like Zurich. And then there's me: born in the village my family had abandoned years ago during the great immigration of Italians towards the west.

My paternal Great-grandfather was the first of our Roberto clan to have moved to the Golden city of New York. He spent months as a labourer in a factory saving enough dollars to bring his two younger brothers and newly-wedded wife, whom he hastily left behind during the first immigration of Italians, over to the other side of the Atlantic. And it was with his two brothers, the Original Grandpa Roberto founded a taste that would soon become a household name: Papa Roberto's Sauce.

Now I know what all of you are thinking: 'Oh this Kat girl must be some snotty little Paris Hilton girl with her family owning a famous food company.' No. No, you are all wrong. If you want to see the 'Paris Hilton' Roberto in my family, go talk to my obnoxious younger sister. You see, she got all the looks and spoils from our large family (after all there were 3 Roberto brothers and just think of the many descendants they produced, all carrying Roberto blood). She was always the baby whom no one ever saw evil in. My sister was always seen as the one who would eventually marry an elite businessman or a movie-star. She's only 15 and she's already had a whole long string of ex-boyfriends, unlike me. I hadn’t even been kissed yet, and I'm 17.

I guess this sort of luck was handed to her when Mama and Papa named her: Elizabetta Valentina Roberto or known to the family as ‘Little Eliza’. St Valentine must have been looking below and noticed how he was someones namesake and therefore decided her path to love should be smooth. And of course, he sent his love and blessings to my elder brother also because why not?

Nicolo Ermanno Roberto was what my parents christened him as. But he prefers to be called Nick. Another douchebag I have to acknowledge as my sibling. 20 years old, and studying at London School of Economics for, you guessed it, an Economics Degree. You see, if my sister was the Paris Hilton in the Roberto Clan, then my brother was the late and awesomely great Steve Jobs, before he got really beaten by cancer.

My brother doesn’t even need to be clever; he can be as dumb as my sister and he would still get everything. He’s the rightful heir to the whole company, inheriting a load of money. He’s got it easy, and it’s not only his career that’s set. His future family is pretty much set too. Nick’s been dating this Victoria’s Secret Angel since he was 16, back when his girlfriend was just some hot girl in his class who hadn’t been discovered by a modelling agency yet. It’s so obvious that they’re meant to be together forever, or whatever. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick suddenly popped the question at this age. The two of them would last anyway unlike most young couples.

Love. The whole concept just makes me sick. Why? Because everyone around seems to be blind by a whole mist of the emotion, and it seems that Cupid lost his talented aim by forgetting to put in his contact lenses when it was my turn for his shot.

Well, I guess, you know who I am, since I’ve already introduced myself to you. But to the majority who have already forgotten, I am Kat Roberts. It’s fine if you did forget. No, really, it’s okay. It happens all the time and I’m used to it, I guess. I’m the invisible Roberto sibling. I’m Buzz Aldrin on the moon, and my siblings are Neil Armstrong. ‘Wait, who’s Buzz Aldrin?’ Exactly.

There’s a reason to why I prefer my last name to be Roberts than Roberto. I just want to stay invisible. My whole life as the middle child never got me the praise that Eliza and Nick always got. My grandparents would sometimes forget it was my birthday whereas if it was Nick’s or Eliza’s, no one and I mean no one would forget. You’d think that I’d always try for attention from my parents, but I stopped trying when I hit puberty. After Eliza, of course. Normally parents would say to their younger child to be more like the older child, but in my case Mama always told me to be more like Eliza. Yeah, whatever.

When I mention my real last name, you’d usually think of two things mainly: I’m of Italian descent and Papa Roberto’s Sauce. However most people fail to make the connection between the latter and myself until they notice my eyes.

Everyone, who is aware of celebrities and gossip, knows how everybody in the Roberto clan has sea grey-blue eyes. There is a joke that runs through the family: ‘You’re not a true Roberto unless you have eyes like a cat and large feet to crush tomatoes.’ My family seemed to defy genetic probability with every Roberto owning a pair of bright blue eyes. The general public discovered this when cousin Maria went on a Reality TV show with her husband called ‘Meet The Robertos’. Her great-grandfather was the youngest Roberto brother, and therefore his line eventually got pushed out of the way when it came to inheritance. But even then, she’s still a Roberto by blood despite her maiden name being ‘Grayson’ and her married name ‘Taylor’. The producers just simply thought they would get higher ratings by calling it ‘Meet The Robertos, The Family Who Created The Sauce Every House In The Western World Has’ instead ‘Meet The Average Family Of The Taylors’.

And so the moment when people notice my eyes after hearing my name, they squeal in delight thinking that they’ve finally met a Roberto, which I understand since Maria’s Reality TV Show threw the Robertos straight into the limelight since season 2 became a total hit. There’s always a Roberto popping up in every episode. I’ve probably popped up quite a few times, but I do my best to stay away from the camera. Even though it seems I’ve been on camera more than my sister, people recognise her more, which is a good thing, I guess. Eliza and Nick have their own Wiki page, but I don’t. In their ‘Relationships’ section, I’m mentioned as the sister called Caitlyn Jordan Roberto with no blue to highlight it as a link. Every other member of my close family has a wiki of some sort, but it really does not bother that I’m the only one who doesn’t have one.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe I just met Eliza Roberto! Wait till so and so hear about this!” Being confused as my younger sister is the most common misconception people have when they recognise my last name and my eyes. That or they ask which Roberto am I. I just reply saying I’m just a distant relative of the actual Robertos and I just happen to carry the same last name too. That is such a transparent lie.

Yes, there are other Robertos in the world who are nowhere near us when it comes to blood relation, but we are the most famous Robertos. The Elder Roberto brother and the Middle Roberto brother’s lines are the only lines that still carry the Roberto name. The younger brother only had daughters, therefore losing the Roberto surname as soon as his daughters were married. As mentioned before, cousin Maria came from the younger brother’s line but nevertheless she was a Roberto. My line hailed from the Elder brother, the only line that bore heirs to the company. My father was the oldest son and his father was the oldest son and his father was Papa Roberto himself.

You could say that my line is slightly more purer than the middle brother’s line as his line was mostly girls (which meant losing the Roberto name) and only a few boys. My line was only made up of boys until I was born. Mama was pretty happy about that since she really wanted a girl after discovering the pattern of bearing Roberto boys instead of girls. You’d think that as the first Elder Roberto girl I would be more spoilt. No, that went straight to Eliza. I don’t know why I was skipped but there was a time when I was the loved, spoilt, Roberto baby of the family. That happiness ended when I was 2 years old, and Mama and Papa brought home Eliza wrapped in a white onsie like she was some angel. Bullshit.

Anyway, it was mainly the misconception of me supposedly being Eliza that threw me, the unknown Roberto sibling, right into the limelight above all other Robertos. And this is the wonderful story of how it happened. Enjoy, ladies and gentlemen.