Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough? All I want to do is please everyone and yet even though I know it's impossible to do so I still try. There are times where I just stop and wonder, "would they do the same for me?" Even when I know the answer. Why do I have to be such a fool and love these people who I'm not even sure love me? Why do I have to be so dumb and naive? Why do I feel this way?
Now I would tell people these thoughts, but I also fear rejection and just causing unnecessary drama. What I feel is something so dark that I can't even describe it and yet I still try to. All I feel is a constant pit of dread and emptiness that won't go away. It's almost like I'm a glass of water that can never be fully filled. I like to blame all these problems on depression and anxiety, but I think it's more than just that.
I have the constant fear of people leaving because I feel as though if I care about anyone then they betray me in some way or another or just up and leave. What's scary is that these are the thoughts that float around my head almost 24/7. When you see me and I'm zoning out or not talking much I assure you, that's not me, so help me. Say something, do something, anything. I just want help to not feel so broken for once in my life. Do I ask for help? No, because I feel as if I do then everyone will judge me for how I feel at my lowest point. And when I write this I'm not doing it just to be like "Oh look at me I'm so sad, give me attention" I'm doing it because I need an outlet to actually express my feelings because otherwise, I'll explode.
There are times when I feel so uncontrollably sad that I begin to feel angry and I don't know why. It's like my body is trying to tell me that I need to get any sort of feeling out other than just feeling empty. There are even times where I'll be around friends and think I'm fine until suddenly, I just wanna be alone and cry. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed because even though I know that my friends will be that at school, I don't think my presence will affect anything. They won't miss me, they don't care, they won't even send a text to ask how you're doing if you don't go,you're a no one.
I just want to try to please everyone and meet everyone needs while meeting my own and I get stressed from trying to do so. It's not like anyone really pays much attention to the small things I do, but I pay attention to the small things they do for me. What they think is something dumb, I overthink for hours on end about. All I want is to truly feel loved and actually have peoples' attention for even a small amount of time. In a conversation, I get drowned out. Left to be nothing but background noise. Perhaps that's all I'll ever be.
AN//Thank you for coming to my Ted talk, do not get triggered by this because this is just how I feel. If you feel the same way then perhaps my feeling is more common than I thought.
