It's hard.
Just laying here wondering if people care about me.
But I have to get up. I have to go to school. I have to sit with people that make me feel so alone. So unaccepted.
I have to get up
"Lydia you need to get up! I'm leaving to work, but you need to go to school today. " My mother yells to me while unlocking the door to our giant house that only her and I share together.
I get up, take a shower, dress, eat, then brush my teeth. My reflection is not what I want to see, it breaks me when I look into it. A girl, with long brown hair, emerald green eyes, tan brown skin, and scars from time before on her arms, stares back at me. A lot of people would say I'm pretty like I am, that I don't need to change anything. But I don't want to change my appearance, I want to change me.
Enough talking to myself about my flaws, school now.
I walk a terrible walk to school. It's long, and scary, and being a girl doesn't help when you have to walk through the dirty streets of men.
Oh well, that's not my worst problem.
I walk to my high school, I'm a junior, so I don't have much longer of school to go. I have many "friends" But they don't care about my well being, except for two of them.
Adam and William, my two best friends I've had for life, and I hope that it will go on.
William comes to greet me when I get to school.
"Hey! It's nice to see you today," He says " Are you doing okay? Also there's a dance Friday, me and adam are going together as friends so we hope you would come. " He tells me, its Wednesday and all I have is my grandfather's suit in my closet, pants, and some shirts. So I guess I'm going in that.
William is happily gay, he came out to our whole school, and he has a boyfriend named Ethan. So great for him.
Adam is pansexual, came out to a couple people, but he doesn't care about what people think of him. He has a lot of problems though, but it doesn't stop me from having the biggest crush on him.
I'm not like the "girls" That act stupid around their crushes and can't talk, I can talk to him, I can hug him without getting limp or dumb, I can be their for him without smiling through every word he says. He's been there for me through everything, and I was friends with him before I liked him.
When Adam gets to school I can't tell he's been crying through the night, and he's been wearing the same black Thrasher sweat shirt since last week. So there's stuff going on. Adam suffers depression, anxiety, and suicidal thought and actions which comes with his depression, guess as a side to a horrible meal.
"hey." Adam says flatly.
"William, come let's all go talk, " I say as I walk to a bench away from everyone.
We all sit down, I sit in the middle, Adam on the right William at my left. I sit closet to Adam and hold his hand to comfort him. In good terns we got here a whole hour before school starts
"I have been gone for a couple days, and I want to make sure everyone is doing okay." I tell them both, William is a happy person, but just as everyone else he gets depression at times and has stuff going on at home.
William answers first "I am doing okay, but you both obviously have things going on, and we are here for each other so spill the tea sisters. " William says putting on a bright glitter gloss to his lips.
Adam smiles at him and his little joke but puts his head down after.
"Adam, I want you to tell us all first. What is wrong, why you've been crying, and why you've started cutting again. " My words spill and his eyes widen, but he knows that we know him to well to not catch his eyes and sweater.
"I.." His voice already begins to crack. " My dad found out, and he told me I was worthless, that I was disgusting. " Adam continues buts begins to cry some where in his words.
Hey I'm going to note this now, I'm sure you can tell but there is going to be depression, suicidal thoughts/actions, homophobic slurs, and abuse in this story. So you warning was here.
" He called me a ff... fa... fag." Adam continues. Me and william hug him tight and both tell him we love him. "I'm sorry, I shouldnt have ddone th.. this to myself. I'm sorry" He cries into our arms. But about ten minutes later he stops, and that's when we let go of him.
"Oh baby, " William tells Adam "You're amazing as your self. And don't you let anyone tell you your not. " He pulls up Adams selves so we can see the damage he's done. It's bad but he's done so much worse than this.
"Adam we love you. " I say. " We are going to be here for you, and you're coming to my house tonight we are having a sleep over, no questions, no ran checks, just me you and William."
He smiles and nods, we go to the men's restroom and clean him off. All the boys leave the restroom when I walk in, but it's not too soon till I'm here.
We walk out and they both tell me it's my turn.
"I. I haven't told you guys. " Finally this coming out seen that I've thought of so many times. " I, I am male, I want to be known as male. But I'm scared of my mom. My family, even my dad the lives millions of miles away. I know you guys will be supportive,but not every one will. " I say calmly, since this conversation has went through my mind billions of millions of times I have so many different ways they could responed.
"Honey, that's how it is all the time, not everyone's gonna love you. We all a ready know that, but you gotta learn to appreciate and acknowledge the people who do love and support you. We've been through everything in our lives together and were gonna go through changes and differences together. Be who you want to be no matter what anyone says." William tells me, he is the best person to give you advice.
Hey, I'm sure you can tell that I'm not the best writer, and my spelling is not so great. But this is the end of this chapter and I hope you keep reading this book. Also is it chill if I call you my rats?? ❤❤👌®
