Moonlight

Back to my Hands..

So back to my hands... I was on the Marching band field playing my tuba like I usually do. Doing something that give me such happiness and enjoyment like I never felt before. I still feel the wind rushing over my face, the weight of the damned instrument on my shoulder, the beats counting in my head along with the Drum Major, and suddenly I blink for one damn second and suddenly I'm on the floor, blood rushing out of my mouth as I cough up a puddle right underneath me on the field. Next thing I know I was loaded onto an ambulance with the guilty feeling that I may have just disqualified the entire band for a score that night. I hadn't been feeling well for a couple months leading into it that day but I just ignored it because I figure it was my body getting used to hot days and cold nights on the field. As I was in the hospital it took my Dad a few hours to get there and Mom followed soon afterwards. I felt really shitty having both of them in the same room due to my Mom not being able to stand the sight of my dad anywhere. They both rushed in with the "Are you okay" and the "Thank god you're alright" speeches parents usually have prepared but genuinely I just wished they would stop and just go home... I sound really ungrateful but honestly its just a habit of being on my own emotionally for so long. I never really felt like they owe me anything and vice versa. The doctor told me they were doing tests to see what was up in spite of my protests that I just had a no food that day and I just probably had a bad reaction to the heat or whatever.  Then a few hours later came the news...

The type of Cancer doesn't matter either... Its Cancer.. Cancer sucks no matter what the type. Especially when you're given two months to live.. I am dying and that all that really matters... My parents didn't seem to register it until about 30 mins after the doctor gave me my diagnosis. My dad just looked at me then back at the doctor... then just sat wide eyed at the floor for awhile...My mom just stood there stunned then just burst out crying after 30 minutes without a word. Once she did that my dad soon followed... I had never seen my parents cry together before and that just pushed my guilt even further but I held up a smiling face and told them it was gonna be okay. I spent the next few minutes calming them down before they left with the doctor to see about what they could do for me all while in tears... Then I just stared at the wall for awhile thinking about what the next step was in my life. I gave up after awhile when I started realizing the thought was making me kinda depressed. My eyes then followed to the palm of my hands where the three lines sort of formed an M....