DECEPTION: It's Complicated (Book Two)

Chapter 22

Cameron was the first to break the silence. Still hanging onto his brother's hand, leaning against him. He felt tired, bone tired. It was difficult to look at it. And, to see it. He knew Jonathan was feeling pretty much the same way. "Dad really screwed us up Johnny."

Shuddering "Yeah, he sure did. I think its different now." He was referring to their situation. "We...I shouldn't feel this way. I can't help it. Control....I definitely have a problem with control." Cameron gave a slight laugh.

"Control....I'm the master of control, of pretending I'm fine. I hurt Jon. It never leaves. I can't let people see." He looked at his twin, moving a bit away but still keeping the physical connection.

"I know what you mean. I'm the cause of all this shit Cam. You know that right? I should have said something, or at least made you listen and hear me. Going off with Charlotte....that's on me." He was sorry about that, had felt guilty since the day it happened. He couldn't run from it, he just hid it, like he hid everything. "I don't know how much I can share with the others. With you maybe. You know what I had to do with Charlotte. That tortures me every night. I can't let it be. I'm always wondering what's happening with her. I'm conflicted where Charlotte is concerned."

"Yeah, I've thought a lot about that. She is our sister. It's hard to separate that from what....what happened. I won't bring it up if you don't." They sighed.

"What about the rest of it? Good intentions and all that. Can you change the way you are? I'm not so sure I can." He shrugged his shoulders.

"How do you change the way you are after thirty years? I'm not the type to just open up and blubber myself silly." Cameron smirked a bit. "It's not like I even know how to do that."

"I know what you mean. It's hard enough for me to deal with this personally."

"Maybe that's the point?" They were looking at each other. Cynthia was at the entrance way, listening. It was a good start.

Returning to the sitting room. They waited. All of them wondering where this would lead. Cynthia was gentle, not pushing. "Cameron, would you like to begin?" Cameron tried clearing his throat, it was dry. "Ah, well....maybe, I don't know." He was fidgeting.

"Maybe start with your dad?" That was too painful; he didn't think he could do that. Too much water under the bridge. Picking up on the reluctance Cynthia took tact. "What about the stroke? Can we maybe start there?" Jonathan was all ears. He had tried to find out exactly that had come about; Cam didn't want to discuss it. Looking at Dina and then Kay he sucked it up. Maybe he should start there.

"Well....I" It was painful; he started out slow, very hesitant. He talked about what had happened at the prison. Why he had gone there. It was the first time he voiced it to anyone other than Jonathan, not whole thing. About the way he felt, helpless. He was mad at the system, the FBI even Kay. It had torn him apart seeing Jonathan carted off the jail again. He'd already been there for eighteen months. Originally, he was going to just break his brother out and they would run.

"What? Why would you do that?" Dina was so very sorry that he felt he couldn't come to them. Neither thought there was any hope.

"We deal with things, together." He went on telling them of the despair he felt when walking through the corridors of Rockland to Jonathan's cell. He was disturbed. Jonathan grabbed his hand even tighter.

"I know Jon here thinks I can't handle things, I could have. I was prepared; I didn't realize how hard he hit me." Reliving the time, waking up in the hospital scared him. They hadn't known that, they knew he didn't like hospitals. He made such a fuss.

"I can't, not in a hospital. Too many lonely desperate memories." The emotional scars of waking up in strange hospitals, medical rooms after horrendous accidents, injuries had permanently traumatized him. Anything to do with the smells made him physically sick. He couldn't think. It was fine if he was asleep. Drugs weren't good, he didn't react well, he didn't need much and usually he was so pumped full of pain killers he had hallucinations. Some of what he described was atypical. Cynthia thought he possibly had either a lower tolerance for the heavy duty medications used in those types of situations or maybe an allergy. She would have to do some tests. Because of what she understood of their life, it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility of not knowing. Their father wouldn't have tolerated testing of any type.