Running | KTH

coffee and eyes

II

Yes, I walked away from home cause I did something. I can't get myself to say it and to be honest with you, I'd rather not remind myself of it. My action, the decision I made in that moment, haunts me like a shadow. I'm not kidding, really, it's always there. It might seem like I'm exaggerating, but I cannot deny the dreams I have nor the fact that I live in fear for myself every day.
 
 
 
When I look in a mirror and see my reflection, I see an impure human: evil and cruel. I am afraid of my inner self. Of what I am capable of. In my eyes it feels like a matter of time until my inner demon will come out and hurt other people. So I tend not to look.
 
 
 
Yes, it sounds depressed, really depressed, but that's why I am doing what I do. Don't you think it's better to change that mentality?

//

The waitress excused herself as she leaned over our table to light a candle. In the meantime it was already pitch dark outside. When I looked outside I saw three shadows in the reflection of the window. Above their heads hung those yellow, warm, fairy lights to accentuate the warmth of the wooden objects in the cafe. The slim body of the waitress walked away on her clicking heels to light up the other candles on the other tables, swaying her hips a little on purpose. Though I couldn't tell if her target was Taehyung or the other young men inside the building. Maybe she was desperately hitting on all of them.
 
 
 
"So, Kim Chaeyeong," the other figure spoke to me in the reflection and I turned to face the person to whom the reflection belonged, all too happily so I could ignore my own reflection, "what were you doing in that alley?" Taehyung leaned back and crossed his feet over the knee of his other leg, resting his ankle there. "If I may ask of course?" His eyes shifted to mine and instantly catched them in an enchantment. They were more golden than the honey I drip in my tea on an early summer morning. Not even the earliest sunrays that peaked through the window blinds could tip the magnificence, the glow, his eyes had. And I couldn't help it.
 
 
 
Due to the coffee my guard had fallen down a bit, because the warmed blood that flowed through my limbs made feel comfortable. Taehyung took advantage of the situation to see if he could get in, tasting some of my spirit. I could only hope he would back away from its bitterness. It was like the light of his eyes had trapped me and lured me towards him, commanding me to reveal my secrets. Just like a mermaid's song.
 
 
 
The only salvation that was left for me was that he would fear my bitterness. Though I sincerely hoped he would not abandon me since I could use a good friend. Who knows, maybe if I stuck long enough with him the honey would drip into my soul and mixes a bit, making it sweeter.
 
 
 
But it was a risk at the same time, because did I have the right to let him in that deep? If he would get a taste of the bitter and dark pit in my stomach and if he would feel the whirlwind of contradictory thoughts he might pity me too much. And the warm-hearted person he seemed would feel guilty to leave me as a hopeless mess I was. Though the smartest, and only right, choice would be to do so. I didn't want to absorb all the honey and warmth he would give me and therefore pulling the strength and happiness out of him.
 
 
 
He would feel more hopeless by the day, because he would try so hard but in the end realize that it had been a waste of his time since the monster inside of me was simply too cruel. It would drain all his energy.
 
 
 
The dilemma inside my brain was enormous.
 
 
 
These thoughts crossed my mind at that very moment. I tried to choose the right thing: it took all my willpower to lower my eyes and break the enchantment. "I don't know," I said, trying to keep my voice strong and loud enough. I could not lie to him, but I could try and hide the truth.
 
 
 
I heard his body shift in his seat. A moment later the table vibrated from the sudden heaviness of his body weight that was centered in his elbows. He leaned forward, letting his gaze go over my features, his face suddenly a lot closer to mine.
 
 
 
"Why are you wearing such a cold jacket at this time of year?"