Alone

You feel alone, you feel you have no one there for you. You had a shitty day; something just has to go wrong every single day. Whether it’s a fight between you and a friend, or your parents, or just a fight within yourself. Everyday seems like an uphill battle, a battle to get up out of bed and face the world. But today, whether it’s actually today or a day five years from now it’s a day that’ll change EVERYTHING.

You get home from school; you’re all alone in your house. The silence is louder than ever before, you walk into room and lay down on your bed thinking about the day and how awful it was, You think about all the names you got called, the way some of your own friends treated you. You start to feel sick in your stomach; you ask yourself “why am I still here when all everyone wants is for me to be gone?”

You imagine yourself leaving the plant, you’re curious to know how people would react if they found out you were gone.

Whether you’re the funny kid that everyone knows of, or the shy kid that minds their own business, whether you struggle with your own weight, appearance, sexualities or any of the other battles teens face every day. You can’t hold on, playing the happy card and using your fake smile will only get you so far.

You get up out of bed, you’re sad but also very angry. You want to make a point to everyone, you want people to remember you and remember and regret all the mean things they said to you and about you. You know something has to be done, and now is the only chance if you don’t do it now, when will you ever?

You crake. You choose to go with the pills because you know there’s no other way you could follow through with any other methods of suicide.

You’re scared, so very scared but you know it’s time. So you take the pills out of the cabinet and gather up some paper and a pencil you write a little hoping it’ll be just enough to be heard and leave an imprint.

We write to your parents and apologise for what you’re about to do. you write to your friends telling them you were messing around and their name calling isn’t what pushed over the edge, you then write to all the people that didn’t give you a chance and that shut you down, the people that made fun of you, didn’t include you, didn’t give you an opportunity.

You don’t name, names but you know who they are and they know how they are. You write to them hoping they’ll read it and feel the pain that you felt. You finish the letter and fold it up, you see your tears soaked into the paper and you start crying harder. This is reality, this is happening. You pick up the pills, open the bottle and you don’t hesitate, you figure about a hand full will do it.

You start to feel dizzy, and then it hits you… you’re going to die. You’re going to be that kid, that kid who dies and leaves their city or town in shock. You’re crying so hard, thinking of your family you feel a sense of regret, questioning whether this is the right choice, but your dying. Everything you have ever worked for Is vanishing, you start screaming for help and you cry out for your mother wanting her there to hold you but she’s not there, you’re scared and you need her.

You keep screaming hoping someone will hear you, but no one does and no one will. You fade, you fall to the ground. You are dead.

That’s it, it’s all gone.

But, it’s not.

Your mother come home to see her baby lying on the floor dead, you just killed her inside. She instantly screams and calls 000 or 911 she’s panicking and can hardly catch her breath. She is crying hysterically, but her tears won’t bring you back, you’re dead. She’ll never be able to get this image out of her head flash backs of this will haunt her for the rest of her life.

Your school is notified and your friends find out. Your entire school is in shock, the school is silent for days. They lost a friend, a class mate, a school student, they lost a soul. You’ll never leave the minds and hearts of those people even the people who didn’t give you a chance, or that teacher that gave you a bad grade, or that class mate that gave you nasty looks you’ll still forever be in their hearts. Your friends are mortified, they cry at night blaming themselves for not sending you a text, a text that could have saved your life. Your family is falling apart. Nothing is normal, your dad works late hours just so he doesn’t have to sit in the house where you vanished. Your mother loses her job, but she doesn’t care because she lost her baby she thinks for hours on end about your child hood and your life, she hold on to the good memories you guys had, she raised you but she blames herself for not raising you stronger.

Your sister and brother don’t go to school, they get hundreds of messages saying “I’m sorry for your loss” your Facebook wall which is still up, full with apologies. The thing is you aren’t there to see it, you aren’t there to see all the people that care about you, it’s funny how after you’re dead people start to listen If only those people gave you a shot to show them how amazing you really are, if only they gave you a chance to shine before it was too late. If only they didn’t say those nasty things, only if they include you a little more. Everything would be so different, but you couldn’t handle it.  You were loved by so many people and the saddest part is it’s only showing now that you are gone. So many people were behind you rooting for you.