When I was born my parents gave me up for adoption bit of a sop story but I went to live with my untie and uncle. I grew up knowing I was adopted but then when I was old enough I went to stay with my biological parents every other week and life there wasn’t the best. My biological parents are called Jeanette and David. David was put in prison once or twice for being a part in an armed bank robbery where he held people hostage, let’s say his hands aren't the cleanest.
When I would go round I got to see my brothers and sisters. I have 5 brothers and 3 sisters. I can tell you so many stories about what happened to them, but I will only tell one or two. I can remember when my oldest sister chose t leave because she hated living there, David was having none of it so what he done was he took all her things out her bedroom, I mean literally everything!! He locked her in by nailing the door shut using a power drill. It was hurtful I could hear her crying from downstairs, screaming to come out but I wasn't allowed to go to see her. ,her window was facing the back garden, so she wrote a note and threw it out the window t us. And being the snitch one of my other sisters went and told David. He stormed upstairs opened the door and he nailed the windows shut, and he nailed the door back. She was screaming even more, she was sobbing I felt a pain in my heart and I was only 6 years old a pain a 6 year old should never feel.
I don't know what happened to her because I left before anything was done. Another one was when my little brother was naughty and for a 2 year old he wasn’t doing any harm just being a 2 year old. But David got so angry he hit him and knocked him to the floor. I can remember watching him being dragged up the stairs by his feet. I sat there crying my heart out. That’s all I can remember though I think it’s because I have blocked those memories out and now I can't remember anything from when I was younger.
After these traumatic times, I would get home and I would be sick and stink of smoke. To deal with the pain and heartache I would go and sit in the back garden alone, crying and I would end up falling asleep. I stopped going round there when I was 7. I have never seen my biological parent and siblings since. To top things off my parents split and my life changed from bad t worse the thing is they have never told me why the split it’s the worst feeling not knowing why because I have so many unanswered questions.
Just after that, best friend Chelsea was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma a type of cancer that attacks the immune system. It was so quick one day she collapsed the next doctors said it was pneumonia the 3rd day she was diagnosed with cancer. My world and whole life fell apart that day I was actually having thoughts of giving my life up I didn’t see the point in living anymore. But I kept going even though I didn’t want to. I went to see her for the first time a week after her diagnoses. I didn’t know what to say to her, really i mean what do you say? a week before I slept round hers she was so happy, healthy and jumping about. It was just a huge shock to walk in her room and seeing a stranger, she didn’t even look like the Chelsea I knew. She was like a skeleton with very pale skin and hardly any hair. I went back after to see her a couple more times but it was a long way to go about a 2-3 hours trip. I will never forget that day, the sight of seeing her like that kills me.
The thing is with me know I push people away, probably because I was so close to Chels and I was hurt so badly that know having someone so close scares me because I never want to be hurt like that again also because so many people have left me in my life that I have just got used to the fact that I have no one. And since my dad left me and my mum’s relationship has gone down the drain, we don’t talk anymore. So I have been left to many time to be left again.
Today life isn't going well my thoughts of suicide have returned everyday I think would it be better if I wasn't here. I sit alone holding the blade to my wrist wishing I could do it but there are so many things that stop me and my only solution to get away from the thoughts in my head is to sit somewhere quite and listens to my music. The bands I listen to have helped me get through each day, they help me survive.
Thank-you so much for reading this it means a lot, it’s my life story not the best start to life but that life its crap. Stay strong xxxx
