Burning Sky // Alec Lightwood ➰

She was in love with life.

I take a deep breath and look myself in the mirror.When my eyes fall on my image I nearly don't recognise me.

Even though I put the clothes really fast, anxious not to waste any precious time, and there are a few rinckles on the shirt, I look so...elegant.

I'm wearing a black skirt and underneath a pair of neutral colored leggings, a black, wide belt and a white shirt with big sleeves. My hair is falling loosely on my shoulders and I've put on a bit of red lipstick.

I don't know why I'm trying so hard. I've concentrated so much on my appearence in order to refrain from having a heart attack from what I am about to do. I must admit though, Isabelle really know how to dress.

I tuck my hear behind my ears nervously, attempting to take another look on the mirror.

"Okay, you can do this." I say nodding at myself and turn around immediately, decided to do this before I regret it.

The hallway is now silent, which indicates that they are already inside, in the middle of the ceremony. Millions of people, waiting for Alec to get married, Lydia, excited about this new chapter in her life, his parents, finally proud of their son.

What the hell am I about to do?

I open the door in search of Adam, desperate for some consolation. When my eyes fall on him, I see him running towards my direction, clearly nervously excited.

"Okay, they haven't exactly started yet, but everyone is seeted and Lydia..."

At the sound of all these informations I feel overwhelmed, which causes me to wave my hands at him.

"I can't. I can't do this."

His happy rant comes to an end and the smile on his face freezes.

" What?" I can see his confusion by his raised eyebrows and shake my head at him.

"What about me and Alec and May and...and Lydia..."

I just keep saying names and I'm nowhere halfway done listing the people that this move will affect greatly. I can't be that selfish.

"Stop. Just stop." Adam snaps at me, grabbing me by the shoulders in an attempt to calm me down.

"What I know for sure is that May would want you to be happy. To chase your dreams. She wouldn't like you feeling afraid and guilty about something you shouldn't."

My hands start shaking at the mention of May and I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what Adam's got to say.

"You didn't kill her Sky. I don't think you understand that. No one did, it was horrible and it still is but it's not your fault." Adam poses for a moment and looks at me like he is afraid I'm going to scream or break down.

At first I don't know what to say. I can't speak, I try but I can't. No sound comes out, just a strangled cry.

Adam continues though, always looking worried at me.

"She would want you to live. She would want both of us to. And it took me so long to realise that. So you shouldn't think of her and feel guilty because you fell in love and she didn't have the time to. Because that's not true. May was in love with everything. With dogs, with flowers, with art and music and sunny days and fresh paint and old cds and stars. With wet grass and red cars and abandoned houses, with bakeries and weird hats. She was in love with life. And she would want us to be to."

I don't know when I started to cry but by now I'm sobbing while laughing at the memories of May and her weird obsessions with the most unusal things. At the stack of vinyl records even though she didn't have a pickup. I remember how, when I was twelve and she was seventeen, we had spent a week's budget for buckets of paint of every shade of blue. We had spent a month, working every day and every night but we finally managed to paint her ceiling. We had painted the night sky along with various constellations. Every piece of clothing I owned back then had drops of blue paint.

My heart clenches at my chest and I lean on Adam, who is crying too, in order not to fall down. He hugs me tightly, while burying his head in my shoulder. When I pull back he attempts to wipe my tears.

"Thank you." I say and I really mean it. I needed to hear that, not only today but in general, in order to be able to move on with my life.

All of a sudden music starts playing from the room at the end of the hallway. Wedding music. Upon understanding what this means a few more teats fall down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry." Adam says with teary eyes. "I'm should have kept this speech short." He apologises but I shake my head.

"No it's not your fault."

It's mine. I walked away from whatever I had with Alec before it even started. And now I'm going to regret it for infinity. Alec is married. Alec is now lydia's husband. They will probably have kids and live a happy life together.

I feel like throwing up and I barely refrain myself from collapsing on the ground. I'm so fucking stupid.

"Sky."

At the sound of his voice I freeze. Its low, almost like he doesn't want to be heard. I can't turn to look at him, not now that I know he is married. Not now that Lydia is by his side, miss Lightwood.

Everything hurts.