all things dull and ugly

nico

i groaned, forcing myself out of bed. i blinked a couple of time, trying to wake up.

i hated myself.

i ran a hand through my tangled mess of hair, standing up. i made my way to the bathroom. my reflection was the fucking ugliest think i've seen.

i hated myself.

a knock sounded on my bathroom door. 'hurry up, nico! you're gonna be late!'

i hated myself.

quickly, i showered and got into a fresh change of clothing. it took my seven minutes to shower.

i hated myself.

i exited the room, rubbing my tired eyes. quinn greeted me happily, like he usually did. i tried smiling back at him, i really did.

i hated myself.

quinn didn't notice my weak attempt at a smile, thankfully. i proceeded to the kitchen, vincent was sitting there, reading the newspaper on his tablet.

i hated myself.

throwing myself on the seat next to vincent's, i buried my head into my arms.

i hated myself.

vincent looked up, i could feel the concern radiating off of him. i ignored him.

i hated myself.

'what's wrong, nico?' his voice was thick with concern. it made me cry.

i hated myself.

his hand landed on my back, big and warm. i cried some more.

i hated myself.

'i hate myself.' my voice was so quiet, i couldn't even hear it myself. i could see vincent frown from the corner of my eyes.

i really hated myself.

'nico. you are a wonderful human being. you know what to say and when to say it to others. you helped so many people. you took care of todd when he was sick. you help lorenz with his homework. you do more chores than anyone in this house. you make me happy. you make everyone here happy. without you, we'd be missing an important piece, the puzzle that is our family wouldn't and will never be complete without you. don't you dare say that, you are my son, and i will not allow any of my children to feel that they are nothing, because they are my everything. i love you, nico, i love you like you are my biological son.'

i hated myself, but not anymore.

i cried on vincent's shoulder while he patted me on the back, rubbing soothing circles every now and then. i felt so so immensely happy and content, just being there in his warm and gentle embrace. it made me feel worth something, it made me feel safe.

and for once,

i loved myself.