all things dull and ugly

calum

WARNING: mentions of self-harm&suicide.

i thought i saw the devil
this morning

with a racing heart and sweating palms, calum woke up with jolt. the soft, white, duvet pooled around his waist as he sat up, staring around the dark room with wide, terrified eyes.

looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue
with the warning

the only sound he could hear was his heavy, uneven breathing. he closed his eyes for a few seconds, before opening them once more, while taking a deep breath. he reminded himself that it was just a bad dream, it wasn't real.

to help me see myself clearer
i never meant to start a fire

calum couldn't help but feel like it's real, the sneering faces, the venomous words. they all haunted him, scratched at him like a wild lion, tore him up into tiny pieces. he shivered, both from the cold and fear.

i never meant to make you bleed
i'll be a better man today

what he did was awful, and he knew. he couldn't forgive himself, and deep down, he knew his siblings didn't, too, no matter how many times they said they did. he felt awful, his heart was torn to pieces, his mind blanked from anything other than guilt and regret.

i'll be good, i'll be good
and i'll love the world, like i should

he swung his legs to the side, letting them dangle from the edge of the bed. his heart palpated in his chest, his mind raced. it was time.

yeah, i'll be good, i'll be good
for all of the time
that i never could

calum didn't mean to do that, he had no control over what happened. he understood why his siblings could never forgive him, hell, he wouldn't forgive himself if he was in their place. despite all that, he still wished his siblings would forgive him.

my past has tasted bitter
for years now

tom was probably the only person who understood him, the only person who forgave him. calum loved his older brother, he truly did. his other siblings were great, too, and he loved them so much, but he wasn't sure if those feelings were returned by them. however, he was sure tom still loved him.

so i wield an iron fist
grace is just weakness

no matter how many times his siblings said that they forgive him, he knew it wasn't true, and that haunted him. the only thing he's ever wanted in life was acceptance. he just wanted to be accepted by the people he loved most. that was probably the reason why he was so easy to manipulate.

or so i've been told
i've been cold, i've been merciless

calum really didn't know what he did until it was too late to undo the damage. he didn't know how he felt until it was done and over with. he wasn't himself throughout the whole thing.

but the blood on my hands scares me to death
maybe i'm waking up today

and by the time it was all over, there were too many deaths he didn't know he was responsible for. he'd never forgive himself for it. he's had to live with the thought that he killed—no, murdered innocent people without knowing.

i'll be good, i'll be good
and i'll love the world, like i should

calum's heart raced as he looked down at the shiny blade in between his shaking fingers. he wasn't sure of this, he never was. it was always an impulsive thing, he never thought out stuff like this. sure, maybe he'd think of doing it, but never really went into detail and never really did it.

i'll be good, i'llll be good
i'll be good, i'll be good

no one would care. maybe tom, but other than that, no one. no one in this whole entire world. he had nothing, absolutely nothing and no one.

for all of the light that i shut out
for all of the innocent things that i doubt

but calum was scared. he didn't know if he had the guts to do it. and what if they actually cared? what if by doing this, he'd be harming more people? hadn't he already done enough? hadn't he already caused pain to enough people? he's been so absorbed with wanting—needing—love and acceptance from his adoptive family and peers, that he never thought of the possibilities of him harming others without knowing so. he never did, because he is a selfish bastard who only cared about himself.

for all of the bruises i've caused and the tears
for all of the things that i've done all these years
and all

sixteen people. that's how many people calum murdered while under his control. sixteen goddamn people. calum clutched the blade tightly, until his knuckles turned white and until vermillion appeared.

he was so so stupid for doubting his siblings' love for him. he was so so stupid for ignoring all of the attention he got from his siblings. he was so so stupid for not noticing that his siblings loved him so much.

yeah, for all of the sparks that i stomped out
for all of the perfect things that i doubt

it was really stupid of him, but what could he do? a lot of things, he could've noticed, he could've smiled at them, he could've been happy with them, he could've enjoyed all of his pure moments with them. but he didn't. and now, they all hated him, like how he wished they wouldn't. and now, gaining back their trust would be the hardest thing calum would have to face.

i'll be good, i'll be good
and i'll love the world, like i should

he should've known. he should've. he could've avoided everything that's happened in the past year, if only he opened his eyes a little wider, opened his heart a little more. if only, if only, if only.

yeah, i'll be good, i'll be good
for all of the times

his hands shook violently, he almost dropped the shiny thing, but he was careful enough. if only he was this careful back then. if only, if only.

i never could

one swift motion, and then multiple swift motions, and then red.

for all of the times i never could
all of the times i never could....

i'll be good - jaymes young