Freedom of Sketch

Three Lifetimes

As I did on my first morning at Circle Valley, I wake up with my eyes closed and instinctively explore the creases in my blankets for the safe, familiar warmth of my cats. There's nothing there. For a microsecond, by heart gives a little jump of panic. But then my dreams of home take shape behind my eyelids, and I can decipher their misty edges and those tiny unrealistic details that turn them into fantasies. I open my eyes and come face-to-face with Riley. She waves a piece of paper in front of me, cutting off my scream. Her smile is too much to ignore. "Look, Shiloh! I made you a picture!"

The paper features a rotund object - some kind of planet or moon? - inhabited by a dense population of green stickpeople. "Goodbie Shylo!" is written in red crayon below it. The negative space is filled in with blue asterisk stars. I gently take the drawing, holding it up to the lavender morning light. "I love it, Riley," I say. And I truly do. Someone actually took time out of their day - or night - to make a piece of art especially for me. It almost brings tears to my eyes.

Riley hops onto the end of my bed. "I didn't know what to draw, so I decided to draw my old friends," she says.

I hold the drawing to my chest. "That's great, Riley," I say. "You did an awesome job."

"Lemme show Molly!" Riley grabs the paper out of my hand. I wince as she wrinkles the edge. "Molly, Molly, wake up! Shiloh's going home today!"

"Uhhnngg, I know, Riley," Molly groans, rolling over, avoiding the light. "Shiloh," she mumbles, arm poking out of her blankets to wave at me, "it's not that I don't care... I'm just not fully awake yet."

Before I can respond, Brynn pops into our room. "Everyone awake, or do I have to serenade you guys with one of my Good Morning songs?" she says threateningly.

"Ohmigod, are you serious?" Molly whines.

"GOOD MORNING, BRYNN," Riley exclaims.

"Please spare us, Brynn," I beg.

"Okay, but just because today's the Big Day for you," she says to me. Then to all of us: "Make sure you three are up and ready for vitals, ladies! And don't forget to make your beds!" She then vanishes, moving on to harass her next set of patients.

Molly slides out of her nest and wrestles herself into a pair of old jeans. Her nightshirt is just long enough to keep Big Brother from seeing anything interesting. "I dunno why, but I find it offensive when she calls us all 'ladies'."

I shrug and pull a sweatshirt over my head. "Better than calling us 'nutjobs', I guess."

"Yeah."

***

I meet Lizzie in the main corridor and give her a big hug. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Lizard." I wrinkle my face and press it into her shoulder. I try so hard not to break down.

She squeezes me tighter. "You're going to go back to school, make sure Daniel stays in rehab, and keep moving forward."

We let go and stand back to look at each other.

Lizzie is in full bloom, the hard knots gone from behind her jaws, her hair filling out from the crown of her head, whispers of color in her cheeks. I stare into her eyes and see galaxies and possibilities, promises and renewal. I tell her so, and she laughs.

"What do you see when you look at me?" I ask.

Lizzie twists her lips to the side and squints one eye. She leans forward, then takes a step back. "You're pale."

"Gee, thanks."

"It's just 'cause you're white, Shi."

"Uh-huh."

"You're older. When you look back at me, your eyes tell me sad stories. Like you've seen too much for your heart to handle. Like you're spilling over with other people's pain and need to give some of that away so you can deal with your own sadness."

Me: "Wow."

Lizzie: "Just 'wow'? That's some deep shit!"

"LANGUAGE!" Brynn growls as she stalks by.

"So I basically look... depressed?" I sigh once Brynn's out of earshot.

"No. Wiser, I guess," Lizzie observes, grabbing my hand. "You've been through more in this past year than most of our generation will experience in a lifetime. In a way, you're lucky."

"How?" I say.

Lizzie instinctively pinches at the skin below her jawbone, searching for fat cells that aren't there. "You've lived as Before Hospital Shiloh. And now you're coming to the end of Hospital Shiloh, and reaching the beginning of After Hospital Shiloh. That's three lifetimes."

Lizzie is the smartest person I've ever met. And even though it takes some time to think through what she's just said, deep down I'm very aware that it's the truth. There are times when I think she knows more about me than I do, and this is one of those moments.

Circle Valley isn't just a line drawn crudely through my life. It is a life. I live in another universe created by people in pain and held together by people with good intentions. The building bursts at the seams with dozens of different battles as we all fight the same war: the war to survive as ourselves. I will continue to fight even after I leave, but when I do walk out of those double doors today, at least I'll be armed.