I'm single. I am so desperate for a man, which I am not ashamed to admit. I'm so far into this single thing, it's depressing. Like if my friends get into relationships, I can't stand to be around them because of how depressed it makes me that I don't have a guy that wants to romantically be with me. I haven't had a man for five years, and I miss the feeling. I miss the feeling of someone's arms around me. I miss the feeling of someone's lips on mine. I miss the feeling of someone who I know will always be there for me when I need them. But those things are rare in today's world.
I have been so depressed over the lack of romance in my life, I have settled for fuckboys. Before I get more into this, yes, I do define myself by the way others view me; so, the fact that no boy likes me is a shot through the heart. Trust me, if an option better than fuckboys approached, I would take it, but I'm not that special. Let me tell you about this one guy. I will not be using his real name for privacy reasons, so let's call him Daryl.
You see, I was warned about Daryl before I started anything with him. My friend, let's call her Aryah, told me to go to him only if I wanted a one night stand. She warned me that he doesn't give a fuck about love, which I found to be true later on. I also met him in a very awkward way. I met when he and Aryah were trying to hook me up with their friend. It was a long night, so I'm going start from the beginning of the night:
Aryah wanted to hook me up with her friend, who was looking for a girl, so I met up with her after she got off of work (she was closing that night). I sat in her workplace until she was done cleaning, so we could meet up with her boyfriend, the guy they were trying to set me up with and Daryl. This was also my very first time meeting all of them, except for Aryah. We didn't have anywhere to go, because it was about 10 o'clock PM, so we went to Daryl's grandparents' place since they weren't home that weekend. Everything was chill when we got there. The guy I was supposed to be set up with was being awkward as hell, so I kind of gave up on him.
As it got later, we were getting more tired so we thought it was time to figure out the sleeping situation. I was supposed to sleep in the cat's bedroom (I wouldn't ask) with Aryah and her boyfriend. I don't remember the others' sleeping situation, because I didn't really care that much. At one point, everyone went into my bedroom for the night to talk about nothing. That lasted for a while before all the boys went into another room, leaving Aryah and I alone in the room.
Aryah: How are you doing?
Me: Pretty good, right now.
Aryah: How are you feeling about [the guy she's trying to set me up with]?
Me: He's kind of annoying.
Aryah: Yeah, I know.
I was so tired, I didn't care what was coming out of my mouth. I spoke what I wanted at that time without thinking logically.
Me: I could so go for a one night stand with Daryl right now.
I knew at that moment I had fucked up when Aryah got up and yelled down the hall, "Laina wants a one night stand!" As soon as those words left her mouth, I heard the pounding footsteps as all of the boys ran into the room. We all knew what was going to happen, but we made the decision anyway to have Daryl and the other guy play rock-paper-scissors to see who got with me. We made them play until Daryl one, because the other guy didn't take hints and we knew he wouldn't do shit anyway. He barely talked to me all day.
After the other guy lost, he went to the living room while Daryl and I went to his room. Daryl leaned in to kiss me, so I kissed him back while we were still standing in the doorway. He shut the door as we made our way to the bed. We laid down so I was on top of him while we made out. I softly bit his ear and kissed his neck.
Daryl: I can't wait any longer.
Me: Then don't.
Right when we finished I got a text: Guess I should walk home then?
Daryl and I read it, but ignored it. We laid down in his bed again, but actually slept this time. The next day, we left at around eight in the morning and headed to the river because we wanted to go swimming. It was the end of July, so everyone was hot and we were bored. Although, it wasn't the safest thing, nobody cared. The other guy had gotten over it by then, or at least he hadn't brought it up. Daryl and I did act like a thing after that. We kept kissing and he was always around me. I sat on his lap a couple times. I had fun with him. He gave me his number, so we texted a bit after that day.
Daryl and I talked about starting a relationship after that night, but we never came to a final decision. We hung out solo at his actual place, the next weekend. He seemed more distant.
Me: Why are you so distant?
Daryl: I thought you were talking to another guy.
Me: What made you think that?
Daryl: I don't know.
Me: So you just assumed without reason?
Daryl: Yeah, pretty much.
We went back to his room and cuddled. I could tell Daryl wanted to do more, but I kept saying "no." I don't know for sure why h blocked me on Snapchat and never talked to me after that, but I think it's the fact that I denied him sex. I'm positive it's because I denied a fuckboy what he really wanted out of me. Yeah, him ghosting me kinda hurt but I don't regret the time I spent with him. He's a fuckboy but sometimes fuckboys are cool to hang around, just don't get too emotionally attached.
