It's just in my head (A BTS Fanfiction)

Chapter 1

       "When you think YouTube, you think funny cat videos, makeup tutorials, gaming done through PS4, or the infamous Numa Numa guy (if you don't know what or who that is, I suggest looking it up).  I was five when YouTube was created, but I never really had access to it because my family didn't have a computer or even a TV for that matter.  You could say that my parents were living in the primal ages of technology, but I remember the first time watching a YouTube video and ever since then it has been my dream to become a famous YouTuber."  I giggle, moving my arms up as I finish my sentence.

       "I never expected that my stupid videos about walking through the woods while talking about nonsensical things and doing interviews with random people on the street would create such an audience.  You've all been through so much with me; graduation, losing both my mother and grandfather, my numerous anxiety attacks and even going through training in the service dog program with Gatsby and I."  My giant Newfoundland perks his head up at the sound of his name, making me smile.  Glancing at the red dot on my camera, I'm thankful that it hadn't stopped recording at anytime in the video, but I know that it might very soon causing me to focus back in on the screen of my computer.  "My fans are my family and it's because of all of you that we've hit over 100,000 subscribers.  I know there are probably bigger victories that people could be celebrating, but let's just enjoy this moment.  Now I don't want to make this cheesy and about me, even though I feel like I already have by babbling about how wonderful YouTube is, but I just want to remind everyone of you that we all start from nothing.  In this world and in the next we are but specks of dust on the bookshelf of life and it is what we desire that sends us flying from that bookshelf and into the mold of what we become."

       Moving a strand of curly pale violet hair from my face, I nod to the right of me.  "I'm from a small town in Illinois. I never thought I would be influential on anyone, but I guess life proved me wrong.  Anyway, I keep getting off topic and I'm sorry for that, what I'm trying to say is that you can do great things in your life.  Any one thing that you personally think is a good gain for yourself or for your friends or family members is bound to be a great thing, so don't stop yourself."  I lean toward the camera and shout, "STOP STOPPING YOURSELF!"  Gatsby's head whipped toward mine and I stare at him in response.  Reaching my hand up to his large fluffy ears, I glance back at the screen, "What is this video even about anymore? Aha."

       My watch begins to beep, reminding me that it was time for my medicine.

       "Alright folks, I'm going to be ending this random celebratory video now.  It's time to take my medicine, but before I go, I want to let my fans in South Korea know that I will be traveling there to do some work for a few months and if anyone wants to do a meet up, I will be by the water fountain in Namsan Park at noon.  I'd love to see some of my amazing Korean family!  Until next time, this is Nadia Crow signing off."

       I stretch my arm toward the tripod that held my camera, fiddling with the buttons until the red dot disappeared.  Leaning back into my chair, I let out a sigh of relief.  YouTube was great and all, but I wished someone could edit my videos for me.  Gatsby grunted and lay his head onto my lap, glaring up at me with droopy brown eyes.  "Yes, yes, I know."  I moan, patting his head and standing up, "Geez, you're worse than my doctor."  Gatsby responded by following me into the small kitchen and sitting, looking up at the cabinet that my medication was in.

       Antidepressants, Anti-tremors, and Anti-psychotics were my daily happy pills.  I may look like I have my shit together, but without these little capsules of fun I would be a shaking and violent mess.  I bet you can already tell what I have without me even stating the obvious, but I'm going to tell you because this is my story.

       My mother found out that I had Schizophrenia when I was 7.  I never knew what the diagnosis was or even how to pronounce it until I was well into my teens.  It's different than how it is portrayed in television or Hollywood movies.  It affects everyone who has it differently.  They say that symptoms are aggression, self-harm, delusion, and being somewhat frantic in certain situations.  Though these are common, I'm most certainly not delusional.  Only someone who says that is delusional, right?

       I unscrew the caps and pop one of each pill into my mouth.

       I've always been somewhat organized and only once in awhile do I get violent and agitated. I'm also a very outspoken and social person, though YouTube did help with breaking out a bit.

       Gatsby, if you couldn't tell, was my service dog.  I've had him since he was a puppy.  My mother got him for me as an emotional support dog for home, but my doctor suggested that we get him certified as a service dog to help me in times when I'm in public and start to feel...not good.  That has only happened once or so.  More like ten times, but who's counting?

       My throat closes around the pills as I swallow.  I feel them slide down my esophagus and into the pit of my stomach.  At times I wish I didn't have to take the pills.  At times I wish I was normal.  At times I wish I had some sort of physical person to talk to about these things besides my therapist and there are other times were I wish I would just stop wishing for things.  They never come true and even if they did, I would find other things to wish for.

       Greed is a bitch and so am I.

Author's note:

Hey, everyone!  This is my first story and I plan on updating as fast as my work schedule and nonexistent social life lets me.  If you like the story so far, then please add it to your reading list.  I plan on doing so much for this story in the future. 

Thank you! 

~ Skully-Chan