Death is just a word.

            Death is almost never brought up as a daily subject in our family, but what happened to my sister Friday morning made us stop to think more about it. We don't know why she did it, but we had somewhat of a clue on why. She had repeatedly came home complaining how school stressed her out to the extent that she started cutting herself, and I'm not talking about a crossed the highway. She never complained about all her other subjects either, its always about one subject. She never explained which one though, she had told us that her teacher always tried to teach English but taught it all backward. She told us that she went to her actual English teacher and brought the exact same assignment that her other teacher gave to her and said not to worry because she only had a few more weeks of her class left. Looks like she didn't listen.

             We all miss her except for my parents, they don't even want to give her a funeral because of the way she went and how she left. My parents are strong believers that if you commit suicide than you don't deserve a funeral, even if you did it to save the family. Now the way we found her wasn't easy to take either, she had a note on her bedroom door stating, "I don't want you to see me like this so please don't come in but instead call the cops. Let them deal with it, and just don't look at me. I love you all to pieces, and I'm sorry for the future pain." You can tell she was crying because there were a few discolored spots on the paper that stood out. But my mom didn't listen to the note and rushed into the room to try to help even though she was too late.

            We aren't the only ones who care either, her friends from school even showed up to the funeral. We didn't even tell them she was dead either, they all got a text last night before hand. The text stated, "I love you all and even though I won't stay long enough to see you guys graduate, I hope you all live a happy life." Reading this made me feel like someone was standing on my chest, and the text that followed it made me cry. Most of them mainly said that she wasn't alone and that they could help he if she lived to see another day. My sister wasn't on her phone to see it, but the chair she kicked from under her feet was. Never had I ever stated how she killed herself till now.

             Its been about five years since her death and when I see my family, I feel like it had just happened, we never talk any more or at least about her. My mom tries to deny she ever had a daughter but not for my grandparents. My grandma has Alzheimer's so occasionally, she asks how my sister is doing and if she had gone to college or if she skipped that too. She could always remember that when she was in high school before she died, she would skip her classes because of a test she never studied for. I love my grandma and it broke my heart to see he at my sister's funeral too. Never should anyone have to bury their daughter or granddaughter. I just wish that she could still be here, so we can be happy again, not like it will matter anyways.

             I continue to sit here tying a noose wondering how life would be when I'm gone as well. I could practically imagine it already, it would be just like when my sister died, but I don't care if they see me, all I care about is seeing her again and being able to hear her voice. Unless its not like that in heaven or hell, if they exist.