An Inner Struggle

Across the room I see her,

Dark hair falling in curls just past her shoulders.

I can't help but take notice,

Her smile lights up the dark club and i want to put it there myself.

She charms me from afar,

The way she throws her head back when she laughs and brushes her hair behind her ears.

Should I try?

I know the odds against me, but I also know how great she looks in that little black dress.

Is it worth it?

Worth those looks that come with me putting my honest self out there in words.

How do I start?

Start the question my mind craves the answer to, but that never comes out smoothly on the tongue.

She smiles.

Smiles at me, with her bright green eyes meeting mine so suddenly it feels like a physical blow.

She's walking.

I see her moving through the crowd and yet it doesn't feel real and my thoughts twist in jumbles on the tip of my tongue.

She's close.

And I feel aware of all my flaws, like I'm naked and I desperately run my fingers through my hair and straighten my clothes.

"Are you alone, too?"

Her voice is sweet, a light ringing like a bell and I feel my heart threaten to jump out of my chest.

"Yes."

A single word out of my lips, but it's a start and anything can happen and it's exciting and terrifying all at once.

"I love this song!"

Before I can even try and know more of this girl, she bounces on her feet, hands reaching towards the sky.

We're dancing.

I try to grab at the rhythm when all I can hear is the pulse of my heart loud in my ears.

She sways.

Hips moving side to side in a dress that hugs her body and gives me shivers down my spine.

So close.

I feel the heat of her body and the sweet smell of lemon and vanilla is overpowering, enveloping me.

Does she know?

Is it on my face, in my movements, is it something you can read or sense?

What about her?

Does she feel these feelings and have these inner battles and questions and wonderings all the same?

How do I know?

How, when there is no signal or expression or trick to find the answer but the bluntness of the question leaves my throat dry?

How do you see someone who makes your heart race and cheeks heat up and still work through that to ask the question that so much of society still rejects the existence of?

How can you look at someone dancing in front of you, happy and innocent in what is going on in your mind, and take the plunge to grasp at the slim chance they may be dealing with this same struggle?

How do you break through the sound of the music and lay yourself out bare to this stranger in hopes that they just might say

"I'm gay, too."