Even if it kills me

Chapter1

The breeze felt nice against my neck. I closed my eyes and listened to what was around me. I took the deepest breath of my life and thought about blue, and trees, and sometimes a view from far up in a building of a city.
Looking down at all the cars. The feeling when you look down and see nothing but height, and the adrenaline fills up quickly. All the way to the finger tips. It looked so real.
It felt so open.
And for a split second I felt... free, Almost careless. It was one of the feelings where you can't explain completely how it makes you feel.
I've never found anyone who would completely understand those feelings.
I opened my eyes only to see the sun, screaming in my face.
Reminding me that I had to get to class.

I kept my head phones in when I walk in the hallway, it's a great way to get out of conversation. It also helps me stay calm when I see the place I hated more than life itself. 
From the stupid bullying posters, to the posters about school events that took place days ago. Our school was too lazy to take them down.
People smiled and waved at me when I walked down the hallway, I know they don't want to be my friend. It's all because of the 'incident'.
It wasn't even that big of a deal, honestly it didn't matter that much...right? Yeah.
I stepped into the classroom I've seen a thousand times but I've seemed to hate it more every time I walked in it.
I'm not the most positive person.
My seat was all the way in the back and to the right. I sit in-front of Kevin and I'm back of Izzy.  I couldn't see anything, Izzy's hair was always in the most perfect bun. but I don't pay attention anyways. 
Izzy turned around.
She had dirt colored eyes and sandy blonde hair.
Her curls fit around her face shape perfectly.
She had acne from her forehead to her chin. Her face was simple but cute.
She was probably the smartest person in the school. Her mom always volunteered for the bake sales, school dances, field trips, plant sales, etc. she wore overalls everyday and grey eyeshadow.
"Hey, Alyssa".
"Hey", I mumbled.
"I heard about what happened and I just wanted to say that I'm always here for you no matter what". She said that like she was reading them off a TelePrompTer.
I made a wide fake smile that went all the way up to my ears.
"Thanks Izzy, I appreciate it".
"Anytime!". She playfully punched me in the shoulder, and spun around so fast her curls stuck me in the eyes.
I knew she felt sorry for me.
Everyone in the school heard about what I did.
It's not like it hurt my reputation though, I'm already known as 'that dyke bitch that doesn't speak'.

Lunch time was the worst part of the day.
All the kids laughing and enjoying time with their friends. Seeing them all smile kind of hurts me. I don't admit to getting hurt but it's just one of those things.
It is what it is.
It didn't even hurt me that no one comes over to ask me if I can sit with them. I mean I have a whole table to myself, why should I complain? It's like my own home. No one bothering me. Being alone is safe.
No one can hurt you.
No one can control you.
No one can kill you.
Just as I started to close my eyes and focus on the music soothing through, making everything simple again. There's an early dismissal for me.

My mom was standing next to the principle with a worried smile. She was holding my coat with a tight ass grip. I looked down while I walked towards the office.
It's awkward as fuck when you look at someone whole you're walking over to them.
I opened the door to the office.
Some kids were sitting down waiting for their parents. I would happily hand my mom over to either of them.
"Hey, hunny". My mom said all bubbly.
I didn't say anything.
The principle put his arm around my mother.
"So all you need to do is sign the little lady out and you're free to go, we won't keep you here any longer", the principle chuckled.
I've never wanted to punch someone more than that very moment.
My mom bent over and squinted at the release paper for me. I crossed my Arms and started tapping my leg loudly enough to show my mom how annoyed I was. I didn't even know where we were going.
I walked ahead of my mom to her car