Calm; Decay Volume 1: Who Killed Cock Robin?

3 - Toothy Smile - 3

"Where did you manage to get off to? I ran into Laurel outside and he said you and Lily'd gone off," asked Douglas Swallow as his son came jogging to his seat by the riverbank. The rusted crimson of twilight touched the turning water of the Rubicon, slowly giving way to the night's lavender.

It had turned out, against all Ashra's predictions, to be a pleasant afternoon. Lily had taken him into the garden district, the artistic tile work laid into the park's pathways blending the history of the city before and after the overlap into a collage of colors.

"I bumped into someone in the crowd. I thought they were looking too closely so I detoured. I ran into the Egrets, and you know Lily when she's in her mood."

His father's brow furrowed at this, and he motioned for Ashra to sit beside him. Ashra sat, watching the lazy water collect twigs on its journey to the shore.

"I think you're letting stress create problems for you that aren't there," said Douglas, rubbing his son's back. It was a gesture he had repeated many times over, one that made Ashra feel both small and safe.

"It's better than making trouble."

"It's no trouble for me, you know that."

"But you don't see the way they look at me. There's this knot in my stomach—I can know someone's looking at me, someone who can see I don't add up the right way. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to move out."

"Who said anything about moving out?" asked Douglas.

"I have to start life sooner or later. I can't stay holed up sharing meals while piddling around watching kids all day."

"You don't like your home?" said Douglas, probing the stress in Ashra's words.

"I love it, and that's the problem. I don't fit anywhere else. You and I both know it. But I can't go anywhere stuck on this riverbank. I can't build a life here, but there's nowhere else for me to go."

Douglas Swallow was quiet for a long while.

"Dad, it's not like I don't appreciate everything—"

"Ashra, I understand. I really do. You don't have to apologize. Your mother and I were in the same boat before you were born."

The Swallow's home, River Roost, sat less than a hundred yards down the riverbank. Across the Rubicon River, the Decay Belt stood in stark contrast to the setting sun, familiarity sitting on the edge of everything foreign. The sunset stopped short on Chryssus, where ornate buildings bent over their own weight, hooking at odd angles around one another to create a jarring skyline. Without streetlights or cars to illuminate that side of the river, the world beyond the Calm Channel could only be spoken for in vague outlines.

Ashra watched a duck paddle cheerfully along the river, thinking about his father's words. "You haven't told me about her. Not really. You talk about how much you loved her, and that probably counts for more than the other details, but I need more."

Ashra had trouble saying the word "mother" out loud, some unprocessed result of her personality remaining forever abstract in his imagination. Douglas could easily refer to her in passing as "Youka" or "your mother" to Ashra, but when it was his turn, he remained trapped in pronouns.

"Who your mother was doesn't define who you are," said Douglas.

"But it's this big secret. I don't know who she was, what she did," Ashra said, his face pained. "How am I supposed to start a family of my own when I don't even know what I'll be creating?"