Unforgotten Sorrows

Chapter 1

"Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war and I don't think I'm winning anymore"

                                                                                        Kaeden

 I remember it all like it was just yesterday... the sound of metal grinding against metal. The sound almost sounded like lightning striking the pavement. I remember the sound of tires squealing and the ringing in my ears. I couldn't focus. I was struggling to focus. I kept trying to find my little brother but I couldn't find him in the vehicle. I kept looking around and as my vision started to clear, the scene that laid before my eyes was terrifying. The amount of wreckage was overwhelming. I saw my brother laying limply on the side of the road, my mother's head was twisted at such an odd angle she looked like a deformed and demented rag doll. The amount of metal thrown across the road... the blood. I couldn't find my father anywhere. I continued looking around but I couldn't get my head to turn to my right. I felt like my body was caught underneath something. I felt smothered, I couldn't breathe. My ears were still ringing but I could hear the faint sound of sirens in the void of the trees. I noticed I couldn't move my legs. I started to freak out. The sounds of the blaring sirens got closer and I began to enter full panic. I remember seeing people putting my brother on a gurney. They left my mother. But I kept trying to yell. I'm here, but no one could hear me. Next thing I remember is metal being pulled off of my body and people hollering, "There's a young girl here, barely conscience, let's hurry up and get her onto the flight for life." My body began hurting. The pain was so unbearable. It felt like I was on fire. I began screaming. Slowly, my vision began to go black.

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I jolted awake from my EMDR session and looked at my therapist and told her that I was done with this session. I was tired of reliving that traumatic experience over and over again. It takes too much energy out of my body. It literally drains my system to the point that I am feeling as if I need to go to bed even though it's not even dinner time yet. After I finished up my therapy session my Aunt was waiting outside in her car. My aunt is such a sweet person. Ever since I lost my brother, mother and father, she has been nothing but supportive of me. I'm shocked that I have not seen her shed one tear since she has lost her sister. Her sister being my mother of course. The fact that she still wants to be here for me and help me, even after I screamed at her making sure she knew that I will never get better, shocks me. I mean I do want to get better... I truly do... but the amount of mental and emotional stress I am going through has me feeling like life will never get better. I truly feel like I am a burden and a lost cause. I don't think I will ever be able to cope with the fact that I lived. I survived the accident that killed my mom, dad and brother. Yet I am still here suffering. Like why does the universe think I deserve to suffer this hell of a punishment?! What did I do to ever deserve this. I have always been a kind and caring person. I was always that person who would give a homeless person my food so that they wouldn't go the entire day hungry. I went out of my way to ensure that people were happy. I volunteered at nursing homes. I volunteered at the Humane society. I did so much. Yet the universe believes that I deserve to suffer for the rest of my god-forsaken life. I don't think that I will ever be able to survive without my family.. I need them. Yes, I have my aunt but that isn't enough. I need my entire family. My heart is missing more than half of itself.. I feel nothing. I feel emotionless. Touch doesn't affect me. I don't even hang out with my friends anymore. I don't answer my best friends messages. He tries to stop by but I never let him in. I don't let anyone in anymore.

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Jasper

I remember the day Kaeden lost part of her vibrant soul. I remember it all too well. That would also, be the day she pushed me away. The day that I knew she needed me the most, and I wasn't even allowed to touch her or go near her. Eventually she stopped replying to my texts, and quit answering my phone calls. The only way I am able to know how she is doing is by going to her Aunt Jenna and asking how she is doing. Jenna says that the therapy sessions are not going well. That halfway through the EMDR sessions, she walks out and leaves. That she won't even try and talk through the incident. How is she ever going to mourn if she won't talk to the people that are here? Fuck, all I want to do is find a way to help her cope. It's been two months since the crash and she hasn't spoken one word to me. She speaks to Jenna all the time, so why won't she talk to me? Granted she isn't all that kind when she speaks to Jenna but I'd prefer rude Kaeden over the one I have now, which is the lifeless and silent one. I miss being able to hug her when she cries. I miss being able to sit with her, and talk to her. I miss being her best friend. Shit, all I want is to be able to sit by her without her getting up and leaving me. But she won't even let me do that. It's almost as if she blames me, like it's my fault she is like this. Maybe, I should have tried to push more. Just continued to give her emotional support even after she asked me not to. Then, maybe she would be better. Maybe, she would still be talking to me and allowing me to be near her. It sucks not being able to help her. I wish I could figure out how to get her to let me in. I will find a way. If I have to spend the next year or more to find a way, I will. Kaeden means the world to me, fuck.... if she only knew how much she truly means to me.......