𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐍' 𝐍 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍'

𝐕𝐎𝐋. 𝐈𝐈 🏹

181127 5:58pm - 6:10pm
beabadoobee - bobby ; home alone ; spacing out

format: vent / lesson

it's the people that you've been closer to longer that are at risk.

people always assume that the new friendships are fragile and they should be taken care of well.

but if you really think about it, it's the older friendships that everyone should be worried about.

they have more opportunities to get bored and leave you.

they slip through the palms of your hands like water — you just can't tell when and how.

the older friendships do it gradually though.

they'll stop talking to you at school, they'll stop working with you in class, they'll stop waving to you in the hall, and even stop looking at you the same.

they just drift away like a leaf in a stream of water.

it's sad but it's reality. with younger friendships, you're finding about their strengths and weaknesses.

you'll figure out where their confidence is and where their doubt is.

you'll find out about what they love and cherish.

and eventually you'll get attached to that person because you love everything about them.

you'll adore them and wish they never leave your side.

but people are always looking for change — whether they realize it or not.

most of us assume that change is hated by many.

but we change all the time without even thinking about it.

and part of that change is losing interest in certain things.

like friendship.

me personally, i'm afraid of making friends because of this harsh reality.

i've had abandonment issues for as long as i can remember.

it hurts even more when the ones you love leave you.

you feel betrayed yet not surprised.

i'm afraid to love.

i'm afraid to show i'm hurting in front of others.

i'm afraid to share my feelings.

"are you ok?" "yeah" is my response every single time.

i'm afraid to be vulnerable in front of people.

i'm afraid to show any type of flaw or error when i'm not alone because of those friends that left me in the dark.

that stuff causes trauma.

and i've never been the same since.

i may look the "i love my life and everyone in it" part but i swear the thoughts i have always revolve around my every decision and thought process because of those who have hurt and left me.

all the tears shed are because of the "oh i'll talk to you later" s and never being talked to for the rest of the week.

the "let's hang out this weekend" s and never receiving calls or texts back.

I blame myself for being left in the dark though.

i think my faults are what caused the person to drift away or leave completely.

i think my weirdness scared them away.

"there's no one else to blame" is what i think about at night.

constantly having to wash my tear infused pillow cases because of the fear of abandonment changes a person.

it changed the way i look at life.

i wish no one ever left me and my weary heart.

i wish they stuck by me.

but that's just how the cookie crumbles, kids.

-jalyn