(Jevil x Kris) c h a o s

bullet hell but it's actual hell for everybody

"I CAN DO ANYTHING!" Jevil shrieked, as he was bouncing around his cell. The battle had already begun, and the heroes desperately wished they bought more healing items. After their barrage of hearts, stars and horseshoes- oop, I meant spades and diamonds, Kris chose to ACT, walking closer to the bouncing jester.

"Anything, huh? Can you suck my dick?"

The whole room burst into naughty giggles from his teammates, struggling to breathe inbetween spasms of laughs. Jevil, in contrast, blinked like a monster appeared before him. Wait- no no no... Err, scratch that. He stopped bouncing around the place, and it seemed like the world around them began to slow. 

"WAIT WAIT WAIT... I CAN DO ANYTHING... WITHIN REASON? WAIT, NO... UM, I CAN DO ANYTHING WITH MY CONSENT? ERM, NO..." Jevil mumbled, desperately racking his brain for a loophole to his catchphrase. The team could see him start to sweat.

"Oh, Kris isn't serious! He's just playing around," Ralsei offered.

"Oh, I'm serious."

"I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME."

Susie had another fit of laughter. "Do you guys need a room together?" She joked.

 "Actually, yeah, that'd be great."

"OKAY, LOOK, KID- I COULD, COULD, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.  LET'S GET BACK TO OUR GAME!" Jevil offered. "Yeah, Kris, let's stop," pleaded Ralsei. Seeing that he was loosing this battle, he took a final stab at swaying over Jevil; "n o h o m o." he muttered under his breath. 

Was it just everybody, or did it get hot in there?

"GOD. DANGIT." Shouted Jevil. "Well, Ralsei and I conveniently left an item in the castle, I guess we'll have to leave. You two alone," Susie mocked. Hooking her arm around him, she dragged him out the door. "Hey! Wait! Shouldn't we save Jev-..." Ralsei echoed, as Susie dragged him farther and farther away. Kris threateningly approached Jevil, casting an oppressive shadow over the short darkener.

"WAIT! UH, SINCE THE DOOR IS OPEN, UH, GOTTA TALK TO SOME FRIENDS. SEE YA!" He cackled, as he dissapeared from view, only to reappear to close the door and lock him in.

"Hey, this isn't how it's supposed to work!" Kris breathed, but there was nobody to hear him. He blinked out of bewilderment, and sat down on the cold, not-spinning, hard floor. He rested his chin on his hands, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce. "I just wanted to apologize to the people that have read this cursed text," he said to the audience. He got out his phone, casually looked up this work, and found it weirdly sexual for this writer. See, the writer is afraid of her parents finding out that she writes things online, and even though they'd be supportive of her passion, she's still scared anyway. Probably because of all the jokes. Reading her latest work, Kris definetly understood why. Scrolling down, he was greeted with a plesant suprise with a seccond version with the same setup, but it was much less creepy. 

~~Ver. 2.~~

(It's an earlier version that I wrote the beginning of, but wanted to keep it, so I added a new joke.)

The three heroes chugged down the elevator, walked down the hallway, and proceeded to stand at the door.

"Well, now or never, gang!" Ralsei cheered, trying to pump the team up, which usually works because Ralsei is:

1. Adorable

2. Lovable

3. A respected team member.

Kris knocked on the door. He skipped past the dialogue which zipped past him making beeping noises until he realized the door didn't budge.  He smacked his forehead with his palm. "We have to find the key pieces first," he mumbled in his usual monotone voice.

"You mean we have to sneak past the guards again?" Susie complained. 

"Seems so..." Ralsei sighed.

The then walked down the hallway again, chugged up the elevator, and got all the key pieces. How they did this I don't know, because frick you ian this is my fanfiction i can be ignorant if i want god dangit. Finally, they chugged down the elevator, again, walked down the hallway, again, and proceeded to stand at the door.

"Alright, now this time we're super ready!" Cheered Ralsei, pulling out the key for Kris.

"Actually," Susie piped up, "I kinda want a snack."

Ralsei smiled politely, suppressing further emotions. "We could have gone out to eat when we were outside."

"Well, I wasn't hungry when we were up there, but now I am."

"Well, let's see what we have in here..." Ralsei dug through Kris' backpack, scouring thrould all the junk they had in there. "Oh, they're all healing items. But you can still have one!"

"Awh. I don't wanna waste our healing stuff, Kris said we'd need 'em."

"You could have one during battle?"

"I dunno,  I get kinda queasy when I do that..."

Ralsei had the odd notion that he was talking to a wall.

"Okay, gang, let's beat up the mentally ill!" Kris said as he stuck in the key and turned the doornob. Stepping into the room, a waft of loneliness and a hint of barbecue hit them like a train hitting a car that was stupidly on it's tracks. Jevil hung three feet in the air, saying something that was probably important but Kris was skipping the dialogue yet again. 

"CAN YOU STOP SKIPPING MY EXPOSITION? IT'S REALLY RUDE," Jevil complained. Kris mumbled a half-hearted apology. 

The battle started, and the room started to spin around like a demented carosell with no horses. It was actually going pretty well except when Susie had to eat an item, but after a minute or so she threw up because e v e r y t h i n g i s s p i n n i n g. Kris turned to Ralsei amd remarked, "Go figure."

"OH, WANT ME TO TURN THAT OFF?" Jevil offered. "Would appreciate it, thanks," Susie croaked as she leaned on the wall.

The fight continued, with Kris desperately trying to teeter between ducks, spades, and whatever the heck his signature weapon was because I forgot the name. whoopsidasies. It was untill Jevil screeched, "I CAN DO ANYTHING!" That Kris chose to act. 

"Can you say the n-word?"

"WELL, SURE I CAN! N-"

"Stop right there!" Ralsei screeched, ignoring the fact that it wasn't his turn and he was holding a shotgun to Jevil's head.

"You're not going to marginalize anybody!"

Violent tension hung in the air as the demented carosel of a room stopped twirling like a ballerina on crack.

"WOAH, THERE, KIDDO! ISN'T THAT A BIT OF AN OVERREACTION?" Ralsei seemed to puff up at this statement. 

"Oh, I'm the one overreacting? Well, in the first-first draft, you were going to shoot me for being a feminist! But they cut it out because they thought it was too dumb!" 

"THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION IS DUMB!"

Their emotions seemed to escalate exponentially, leaving Kris and Susie to metaphorically grab some popcorn. (What would happen if emotions escalated quadratically?) 

"Atleast it's funny!" Ralsei shouted. 

"BOTH OF THESE SITUATIONS ARE FUNNY."

"And so are you!" He complimented. 

"I- OH, YOU DO? AWH, THAT'S REALLY NICE. THANK YOU!"

"Have we settled our differences, friendship style?" Mocked Susie. "I think we have!" He cheered. "Oh, are we continuing your game?" He asked, to the detriment of his teammates. "THAT ARGUMENT WORE ME OUT. SEE YOU IN 100 YEARS OR SO! TOODLES!" He screeched, dissapearing in mid-air, Kris felt his backpack get slightly heavier, which he peeked inside to find the something-snife snuggly nestled in with his other junk. 

"Guess that's it," remarked Susie. "A satisfying conclusion to a otherwise horrible fanfiction!" Ralsei chirped. As they walked down the hallway and chugged up the elevator, a startling thought came to Kris' mind.

"Where did you get that shotgun?"