As I got home, I see my daughter on the couch--- sleeping. I sighed. Sitting beside her and stared. It's been a year since I hold her in my arms and now, she's a full grown up now.
Later on...
While making her project, I noticed how quiet she is. My family told me that she was not like the old times. I asked her to come here- to observe her. And they are right, she changed. Every time I saw her lola hugged her, it feels like nothing. They can't feel the warm anymore.
"Can I help you?" i offered.
"Hmmm. No, I can do these all."
"Next month is your birthday. What do you want?"
"I don't want anything."
"Baby..." She look up at me and raised her left eyebrow.
"Yes mama..." she replied softly.
"Can I asked you something?" she nodded.
"I noticed that while you are growing up. You became a cold person. You built a wall that no one can ever break it" She stiffened. "What happened? Your lola told me that you are always inside the room, you didn't even eat sometimes... The way you talked, your attitude--- everything."
"You are not sweet anymore. You are not even smiling." she faced me.
"Sorry. I changed. I am not the same person back then.
I'm not a person who will welcome you with my warm embraces.
Give you my sweet smile." my heart aches. oh my baby.
"Why?"
"You all treated me differently... Don't you worry... I am just nobody." It seems to be okay but her eyes are lying.
I remember those days...
How many times we called her useless, worthless, to feel that she knows nothing, compared her to others, i didn't even notice her or appreciate her.
She stood up and turned her back.
"Am I a bad mother to you? Am i too much?"
She stopped. Turned to me and shook her head. "No. Maybe, I-i was just lack of attention and Lack of L-love."
Those times I rejected her.
" Ma, can you help me with this?"
"I am busy."
"Ma, Can you help me answer these?"
"You can do it all yourself."
"Ma, Can i go with my classmates?"
"No."
"Ma, is this right?"
"You should know that, even the grade 1 student can answer that."
"Ma..."
"She is intelligent, you should be like that too."
"If you only like them. I will be happy. But, you're not."
"You're such a disappointed to me."
Now I realize, How much pained we'd cause, knowing that your girl doesn't want your help.
"I love you..." I whispered.
"I love you too. Yes, you love me but your love was not enough. You should accept me despite of my flaws. You should love me- The me. Not for what I can do. Love me for being me, Not for what I'd done."
"Don't you worry. I am used to it." The most painful is to see her walking away from me. I cried. I regretted for not being with her. She's right. If only I could turn back the time...
Before, she's too close. And now, She's too far.
END--- 12-01-18
