Looking for Alaska

Looking for Alaska. Her last thoughts

Who does he think he is? As if I am his girlfriend. I could never be. He was too stubborn. He thought just because we spent a lot of time together, he knew me. What a fool. No one could truly understand me . They didn't have to live such a painful life. Did they lost there mum when they were small? No. Only Chip could slightly understand me. He knew how difficult life could be just with one parent. But I had none. My dad didn't care for me and I didn't care for him. He left me, when my mum left us. With her death, my whole world crashed into pieces. Of course I gave me the fault for her ending. How should I not? My father made it very clear to me. Now I know I couldn't have done anything. Even if had I called 911, she would be dead. I know that now. But back then? No, I thought it was all my fault. So, with this moment the darkness fell into me. It ate up all the happiness inside of me. How could I be happy now? My life was not better than before. Even I had friends which supported me, they could never truly understand my feelings. Maybe that's why I like 'The General in His Labyrinth ' so much. I understand how it felt wanting out of this labyrinth of suffering. And even if I could be happy for a while, the darkness inside of me would bring it down and get me back into suffering. That's why Miles could never be with me, even if he wanted it so bad. I would destroy him with me. And I could never do that. I like him too much for that. Chip is already to far into it. I can't save him from drowning with me. But I can save the others. I hope it, so bad.
But now all of me hurts. It's her death day. I forgot it. Again. I can't forgive me this time. Even I'm drunk, I never had so clear thoughts. I know what to do. It came to me in a flash and I know that there is no other way out. So , I'm going to do this. Now. A sad look back at my life and then I'm gone. For ever. The World doesn't have to deal with me anymore and I didn't have to deal with the world. It all ends. Why not now?