Art Dump!

Merry Christmas! - Update

Hey my little lambs! I love you all and I'm sorry to inform that most of my stories will be on a pause (maybe). I am dealing with a lot. Depression, anxiety, drama, rumors, family problems, fake friends ect. I just want to say that.. Thank you. If you are my friend in real life then I thank you the most for being there to make me laugh and smile.

I wish I could just stop the rumors and drama but I can't. Wanna hear a little story? Too bad you are.

So I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for almost 3 years now. That's right, years! We have been through a lot of things during this time and I never knew something, so little would break us apart. Our love was strong and ready to face anything that came its way. But this... This is the total bullshit that I never knew that would break us. First off this is me before:

I had long hair and a natural ginger. I wore sunglasses and big hoodies. I was usually listening to either korean or punkrock music since elementary. I then 'changed' myself. I had been through a lot and was dealing with depression since 5th grade (I'm in 8th now). I was always called a demon, sinner and emo since I wore black and was a ginger. It kinda hurt. They never knew me and then stereotyped me. My friends and family do it too but I don't care because they are joking. Well my boyfriend back in 6 and 7th were both depressed and we fought together. We were eachothers light in the dark. He was always mine. I am still dealing with depression but I don't have him anymore. Its hard. Seeing photos and him. Flirting with girls and now has new friends. He is the one who changed, not me. But anyway I cut off my hair and dyed it. Like so:

Then he stopped talking to me. Stopped walking to first period, texting late at night, calling hours without end and talking. He didn't like my hair because I looked like a boy and an emo. He loved my eyes and hair (of course my personality too). He loved fire and my hair was red/orange which he loved about me. I dyed it brown but it turned out Black. I didnt care and didnt want my mom to spend more money. She told me money wasnt a problem because she just got her paycheck and the bills were all paid but I kept it. My gut told me to. And now that I have I love it. Anyway so I kept it. But my bf was furious that I didnt change it. In the past he dyed his hair purple and blue so I didnt get what was wrong with me doing it. Then thanksgiving rolled around.. He dumped me. Before that every conversation was a fight over the stupidest things. My hair, me, my personality, how I dressed, things I liked. Hell we fought about Alexander Hamilton because he didnt get how amazing he was in his time. Anyway... Yeah. Just texted me. I never knew he would but... I never wanted that. I wanted that to just blow over. Before he said, "Why can't we just go back to how things were? Is it that hard for you? Yknow not fighting but texting, video chatting, calling each other and just talk about the weirdest things." I chuckled to myself hearing that from him.. It was you Liam (that is his name). It was you not me. Just because I wasn't being perfect or acting all "normal" like I use to is shit. I love you. I still love you and shit I want you back. But I know that I can't, you mentally abbused me and told me things no one should tell. I showed you everything and I talked about everything. I told you that I was bisexual ane you didn't like that. WELL I AM! AND I AM PROUD ASF! I was always proud of being with a weirdo and loser like you. But when you insult me, my younger brother, my fucking family and friends I can not let that slide. You are the asshole not my younger brother. I know he won't see this but if you know him, fucking show this to him. I am crazy, damn right I am. But, I don't just fight with you and say things I want. I have actual morals and feelings. Unlike you, you are a coldhearted bitch and you will go to hell with me. If your image and rep is so important then damn am I not sorry. If you dont want to be seen with an "emo" like me then why date me? Why say you love me and kiss me? You were my first love. I was your first kiss. Damn I love how you regret that. I regret mine too but hell did I make it up to you. After times I did things to hurt you I'm sorry and I wish I could take it back. But that is in the past and done. Liam, I still love you. I still have your pictures and I still talk about you like your mine. Telling stories of when you were mine and such. I non stop talk about you and I can't help but smile When I see you. But now.. I can't help but cry. Then my best friend since elementary isnt even there for me and I feel like no one is. I don't know if I should see a counselor at my middle school or not. I'm just so done and I don't know what to do.... He's now spreading rumors about me and even though I Try not to care about what people think about me, it gets to me. I grew up on a bad place and now that this is still happening I see if there is a fucking heaven out of this hell. Now I'm trying to distract myself with different types of pleasure and I am so fucking fucked up. I just him back... the old one. that made me laugh everyday and would hold my hand. I would always cling to his arm because I loved him and I just. I wish he could be the same as he was before. Apparently I never opened my eyes. He said that I am finally opening my eyes and seeing the real him and bitch it isn't. I can see that clearly I don't know what happened to us but I want us to be a thing. Little does he know that I fucking adore him. I miss him. I miss his smile, his girly laugh, hands, smell, the way he looked at me. Its different now. He looks at me without that beautiful and dorky smile hehad and now we just dont look at eachother. But there is one thing I wanna know. ...

How does he feel?

Sorry guys... I just... I miss him and I need something to tell and if I tell the world SO BE IT. I don't care...

This is us before. At the Rocket Lanes. We were with Riley and my mom. It was amazing. Everytime I didn't make a single pin which was quite often because I suck at bowling he would soothe me and hug me. He would say, "Good job baby!" When I didnt even hit a single pin down. He wasn't sarcastic or anything. I just miss the past. I miss how it was. I miss it all. I wish I had it all back. God I miss him so much. My mom is so worried about me and is ready to text his mom. My bestfriend is gonna slap or punch him. I just want two things.

Him

And

A reason