Dizzy's Digital Diary

Diary Entry 01 - 12/2/18

Dear Digital Diary,

I've had a good two or three days. I cried on Friday morning, but, other than that, I have been completely wonderful apart from the little skips in sanity I keep showing. You're probably wondering what the hell I am referring to; I wouldn't blame you. 

So,  let me give backstory first. I have shown signs of depression and suicidal thoughts since fourth grade, but they worsened exponentially in my sixth grade year due to a shitty relationship as well as confusion about my sexuality and gender. In this time, I, in a way to cope I suppose, personified my depression into a person, Shadowman. I call him Shadow now, because "Shadowman" reminds me too much of that dumb "Bye Bye Man" movie that I try not to think about to much, because if you think about him or talk about him he grows in power. Anyway, I have had Shadow as a little voice in my head for about three years or so now, but recently, after a really horrible year in my mental health, new "little voices" began popping up. It isn't just voices either; I can see things that talk to me sometimes that everyone else swears just are not there. 

I know I sound like I am making all of this up, believe me, but I just need to talk about them so I can stop having it rattling around in my head. I guess I'll describe the voices and the people/things I have been seeing, now.

So, there has been Shadow since sixth grade. He is a tall dark scratchy figure that always talks about how useless I am or how much I annoy people. The best way to describe him would be if you tried to draw slender with a black pen running out of ink, and you just colored in all of him apart from these big circular eyes. He didn't have tentacles like Slender; he was just tall and skinny like him. 

Recently, another voice popped up. I don't know her name, but she always talks about how ugly and fat I am or how if I were skinny people would finally like me. She is maybe 5'4-5'6, has blonde hair with chunky lowlights, and she is so fucking skinny. I try to avoid talking to her, because she and Shadow usually tag team me when I try to talk back and yell at me until I shut up.

Then, there is this nice female voice. She is really shy and doesn't talk until I start to get really bad. I don't know her name or what she looks like- only what she sounds like. Her voice is soft and somewhat high pitched, but in a way that isn't annoying but endearing. The closest thing I can think of comparing it to is Snow White's voice.

The fourth voice is a boy named Malcolm. He is a nice voice too, like the girl, but he talks much more. He doesn't talk nearly as much as Shadow or the mean girl, but he helps a lot none the less. He is maybe 6' or so, quite skinny, and has short brown hair. He has really pretty brown eyes and high cheekbones. He kisses me on the forehead a lot and likes me talking about him. He also protects me from Shadow, the mean girl, and the other girl I am about to talk about. 

Lastly, I keep seeing this girl every time I leave my house. She is never inside my house, apart from occasionally in my garage. She wears a white dress with a red ribbon belt, and she has red splatters on the dress sometimes. She has medium length blonde hair with bangs. I haven't gotten to get a good look at her face, because she doesn't like me looking at her or talking about her. She said whoever I told about her, they would kill. So, I try to avoid talking about her to many people. I know she's just in my head, but what if they really do hurt my friends if I talk about her? 

"They" does not refer to the voices either- it is the people or creatures of things whatever they are that control us. You know the simulation theory? I just know the people that control my simulation will hurt people or do things if people say they will. They are the they I am referring to.

I hope to start seeing a therapist soon, so I can get a proper diagnosis for these new symptoms. Two of my friends says it sounds like minor schizophrenia, and one said it just sounded like my depression. 

I know I sound like i am making all of this up. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to know what the fuck is happening. 

Sincerely, Dizzy