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matthew was so deeply in love with russell. the smaller boy was always an optimist, he thought to himself that maybe the tall perfect man felt the same way, and that maybe he was just very good at hiding it. the elder knew that matthew liked him, he didn't care. he thought it was quite funny, actually. pathetic. stupid. gross. russell made matt so happy, he was so dependent on him, russ knew that too. matthew couldn't do anything without russell at his side. he didn't trust anyone except joba. joba told him not to. russell would often ridicule matthew, he liked messing with his emotions. he had to admit, the fragile angel looked absolutely breathtaking when he cried. matthew always forgave russell, to him, breathing the same air as the slender boy was a privilege. russell was matthew's life, he was all that he had. russell loved showing off his new partners to matthew, he loved how the vulnerable boy would look so devastated and broken. he looked so stupid. matthew quickly forgets about those incidents, though and instantly goes back to being in love with the same man who toys with his poor heart. he gets so so happy when russ allows matthew to kiss him. he's grateful, he thinks about russell being his boyfriend. his stomach fills with butterflies and his mind is clouded with those hopeful desperate thoughts. solace. matthew's body is littered with his own self inflicted dark deep scars. he cant help it, he's miserable. he's happy yet he feels as if he's dying at the same time.
