I want to be alone and to shut others out. I want to deal with my feelings by myself, but I don't know if I really can. How is it that people can take risks on people, face rejection head-on? Why can't I do that too? What am I really sheltering my heart from...? Hurt. That's what I'm protecting myself from. I hurt others, likely more than they hurt me. I can not clearly identify my own feelings and I don't think I want to. Why should I put myself at risk for something that doesn't guarantee happiness? My tough exterior hides a bruised interior with more scars than I really need and pools of tears below it. Without my tough skin I am vulnerable and I won't ever let myself get so hurt again. So to people who show me concern, stop, I don't want your help and I will never let my guard down near you. Believe what you want but my mind is set and nothing can stop me from keeping my cynical skin.
On the inside of me, there are cowering emotions with cuts and bruises from the past, and scars were there were once holes. How does a person so hurt ever recover? How long will this last? My depression gets the better of me today, I suppose. I don't want to be cheered up, and I don't trust other people; I refuse to. I cannot and will not let myself get hurt anymore. If only that were true... Doing these things to protect myself from others, also hurts me. But I just can't seem to let go of the past, and fear the future. My insides churn with thought violent and otherwise as I try my best to ride the waves and navigate through this. But I should give up on getting better, shouldn't I?
My intelligence is a curse; my intellect detects the faults of me and I can't accept it. My intelligence makes me aware of all the chaos and havoc of the world and my emotions take over from there. They pull me down into the waters of my emotional self and push me through all the feelings I wish I never had. Ignorance is bliss, as the saying goes and I'd say it were true, if it weren't for the fact that even the least intelligent people can feel hopeless. So where does that leave me? Trapped between two powerful forces, both of whom are only out to get me. Depression isn't as much an issue as things around depressed people are. The things and environment only make it worse and I don't even have to rehearse saying, "I'm fine." anymore.
Whatever happened to innocence? The childlike wonder that took me anywhere. The truth is, i believe it is still buried beneath the wall around my heart, past the pool of tears in a place at the core of my heart. After all this time, it's still there... I will never have it back, because it takes letting others in to get it. And that is something the stone walls around my heart, past the rubble of a broken mind lie. Many decide it's best to let sleeping hearts lie; in wait for a savior who can finally free me from all the sadness buried so deep.
4:40 pm
With walls as high as mine, no one will ever hurt me... but they won't ever love me either. Instead of taking a chance with the person I have slight feelings for, I will shut them down and discontinue to speak and associate with them.
5:31 pm
What do I do now...
