who you are.

new fear.

      Two loud bangs ring through the entire school. Everyone begins to run frantically, more shots ringing out nonstop. Without a second to spare, Jason pulls me into the theatre, with a few other kids following us.
         "Why are yo-" I try to ask, but I get cut off by Jason.
         "Those were gunshots, Lani, thats why." My mind goes blank as I accept the reality that those really could have been gun shots. We finally get in the theatre, Jason pushing me in there before him, then locking the doors behind him.
       "Everyone, start putting whatever possible infront of the door, anything possible. Turn your phones off." An administrator who followed us in instructs. We begin to stack tables and loose chairs infront of the door. A few seconds later, a voice over the intercom confirms my worst nightmare.
       "Active shooter on campus, lock down. I repeat, active shooter on canpus, LOCK DOWN!" I'm in shock, so much so that I cannot move. I feel an arm tug me to the corner of the room farthest from the door and behind the stage. It was Jason.
       The thing no one, not Gracie or Jack or Jason, know about me yet is that I have panic and anxiety attacks. Panic attacks are way more rare, and happen when something horrible is happening right then and there. And in this situation, I knew I would have one eventually. Were all sitting or laying down on the floor. The other students in there were 2 couples, holding eachother, and a pair of best friends, all of them whispering I love you's or Don't worry's to eachother. Jason and I are sitting in the corner, the administrator infront of everyone else.
        "Jason, I need to tell you something" I write on a spare piece of paper. I pass it to him. He reads it for a second, then looks at me and mouths a "what?" I ask for the paper back and scribble down "I have panic attacks in scary situations, so theres a 99% im gonna have one soon." I hand him the paper again, this time with a shakey hand from my anxiety. He grabs it and begins to read, his face getting more worried with each word read. After he looks at me, a sorrow look on his face. At this point, my eye begin to well with tears of fear. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me into him.
       I begin to let my tears flow, but I am also careful to not be too loud, as I know it's dangerous to be loud. A few minutes, we hear a faint scream of a girl and then 2 more, ear busting gun shot. I flinch at the noise, Jason pulling me closer. I pull out my phone and text my mom and dad. I make sure my volume and ringer are off, and turn my brightness all the way down. I text Gracie, and tell her where we are. She and Jack are in their mom's room with a whole classroom of other kids.
I start to think of my family. What if I never see them again? Emma, she would go the rest of her life saying that her older sister, her biggest role model, her hero, died in a school shooting. I shew those thoughts away, I want to stay as optimistic as possible. Slowly, I begin to lay down on Jason. He embraces me. He moves our backpacks so that we can use them as mock pillows.
I look up at him. He's looking at me with a worried look.
"Jason," I start. "do you think were gonna get out of this?" I ask in a whisper, contemplating the worst.
"Lani, don't think like that, okay?" He whispers to me. "If you think like that, you'll have another panic attack." He tells, whispering, and pulls me into him more. I wrap my arm around his waist. I realize were just acquaintances, but he is the person in this room I know the most, so all my comfort is in him right now. Then I ask myself, why is this happening?
"Why is this happening?" I ask Jason. I know that it's a pretty dumb question, but still. He looks away from the curtain and wallinfront of all of us, covering us from sight, and looks at me.
"I don't know. There was talk of a shooting threat yesterday, so people didn't come to school. I mean, theres been threats in the past but they never turned out to be true, so I always came to school." He tells me. I begin to tremble and I think he feels it too, because he begins to run his hand through my hair.
"I'm just cold, that's all." I say, trying to downplay my fear. He slowly and quietly grabs his Adidas jacket and throws it over me. For me, it's about 2 sizes bigger than me. I pull it over my arms as my body begins to get warm.
After what feels like years, police come in the theatre and escort us out. I decide to keep Jason's jacket on, because by now, it's already 6:45 and its dark outside and cold. My mom, dad, and Emma are all right by my truck, waiting for me. They all hug me, taking a few seconds each just to hold me. I fight back tears, because I don't wanna cry infront of them. I've never really been fond of crying infront of my family. I just don't like to do it.
Jason walks over to me, "Hey, I'm gonna head home." He tells as he begins to hug me. I stop him quickly though. "Wait, where's your ride?" I ask, as my truck is the last car to leave in the student lot. "I'm just gonna walk home." He tells, waving it off as if it's nothing. "Uh, mom dad, I'll meet you guys at the house, okay?" I state. My parents are hesitant, but then notice Jason, and start giving me hugs and kisses before they leave.
Once they're out of hearing distance, I turn to Jason. "I'll give you a ride home," I tell him. He tries to deny the ride, saying it's too much trouble, but I insist. "Nope, come on, you're getting in my truck, lets go." I say as I climb into the drivers seat.
The drive to his house is mostly silent. What kind of conversation do you have after a brush with death.
"Do you know how many people got hurt?" I ask, trying to sound normal. Honestly, nothing about a school shooting conversation is going to sound normal.
Jason pulls up an article from the local news. "According to this, 5 people were shot, 2 died, 2 in critical condition, the other got shot in the arm. One girl, one guy died, two girls are in critical condition and the guy is the one who got shot in the arm."
"Damn. Did they say who it was?" I ask nervously.
"No, not yet, but eventually they're going to."
"Did they catch who did it?" I question. It probably doesn't say that either.
"Yeah, actually it does," Jason begins, which surprises me. "It was a kid who went to this school last year, he had a bad rep with all the faculty, got expelled right before the last football game of the season. He couldn't play, he got really mad." He tells. Dang.
We eventually pull up to Jasons house. He lives about a 10 minute drive away from me, a neighborhood seperates ours from eachother. I notice that there's no car in the driveway.
"Is anyone else home?" I ask him. I don't want him being home alone after the day we just had.
"No, my mom is out on business and my dad is a pilot so he's not home a lot." He tells me. I decide to text my mom, asking if it's okay if he stays the night, making it VERY clear that we were just friends. She and my dad agree.
"Well after the awful day we've had, I do not want you staying home alone, so go in and grab clothes and whatever. Your'e sleeping at the Kama Hale tonight." (Hale means house in Hawaiian)
"Then come inside, it's gonna take me a minute." Jason tells. I begin to open my door, but then get told by Jason to hold on a second. He shuts his door, hops down and runs over to my side, opening my door for me. I give him a confused look.
He notices and then tells me "I was raised with manners, Lani." We both laugh it off as he helps me down. Really, I don't need it, but he wants to be a gnetlman so I let him help me. He unlocks his front door and leads me to his room.
His room is adequately big, with light blue walls. There's a signed Lonzo Ball Lakers jersey in a glass case on a wall, next to a Kyle Kuzma poster, which is also framed and signed. "Lakers fan, huh?" I ask as i sit in the spinny chair by his desk. "Uh, yeah. Anytime there's a game or meet and greet or whatever, I go." He tells me. "You like the Lakers?" He asks as he begins putting clothes into a dark blue adidas duffle bag with his name on it.
"Yeah, I've liked them since baby days." I say as I mess with my phone case. He then grabs some jesus slippers, the same as mine, and shoves them on top of all his clothes. He puts them in the bag with the dirty side touching the clothes. I get annoyed by it and walk over, flipping them the other way, then closing the bag. We both give a glance to eachother, the energy in the air being super lustful, but I quickly break it as I walk over to the rolly chair and plop down in it again.
"You ready to go?" I ask as I pick myself up from the chair and head for his door. "Yeah, just let me grab a snack really quick." He says as he shuts his lights off and his door behind himself.
He leads me into his kitchen. It's a little bit bigger than mine, but it's still quaint. He goes to the pantry and grabs a couple of packs of fruit snacks. He tosses two of them to me. "Okay, lets go." We walk to the front door. Jason steps out first, holding it open for me. "Why, thank you, sir." I say as I step through.
"You're very welcome, ma'am." He tells back. We both laugh it off and start towards the truck. We hop back in my truck and head to my house.
We make it back to my house, my parents and Emma sitting in the living room, eating pizza that they had ordered. "Hey, guys, I'm home." I say as I set my keys down on the dresser in the foyer of the house. We both go to the living room to say "Hi" and introduce Jason to my family.
"Stay here real quick, I'll grab us some pizza from the kitchen then we can go to bed." I say, motioning for him to stay and talk with my parents. I assume he would want a few slices, so I plop 3 pieces on a plate with 2 breadsticks, and 2 pieces and 3 breadsticks on another plate for myself. I pour us each some guava juice, hoping he likes guava juice, then put it all one of those things you use for breakfast in bed. I walk out to the living room to tell Jason we can go upstairs and see him laughing with my parents at old pictures of me.
"Hahaha, very funny," I say sarcastically. "Jason, let's go upstairs." I say, cocking my head towards the stairs. "Well, it was nice to meet all of you guys, goodnight." He tells Emma and my parents as he grabs his bag from his feet. "Here, I'll take that." He says, nodding his head towards my family. I go up to each of them and give each a long hug and kiss on the head. I hold Emma a little bit longer than mom and dad. She was probably more scared than I was.
I lead up the stairs and into my room. I close the door behind us. My mom had already set up the air matress in my room, with a sheet, pillow and blanket. We both sit on the air matress to eat. I turn on some Youtube on my TV as we eat.
"So your parents spoil you huh?" Jason asks as he looks at my floating shelves with all my purses. Theres about 2 Louis Vuitton bags, 3 Gucci bags, and a few Michael Kors bags.
"No, I really like designer bags, and since I get paid to do hula and tahitian gigs and I'm sponsored for swimming, I buy them all myself." I tell. I can see his jaw drop when he see's my Lakers Lonzo Ball city jersey in my closet. "Y-you have a city jersey?They haven't even come out yet!" He asks, surprised. I nod my head because my mouth is filled with bites of breadsticks. "My dad knows the owner so I sometimes get exclusive stuff."
We finish up eating and get ready for bed. I shower first, then Jason goes after me. While he's in the shower, I call Gracie. We make sure the other is okay, mentally and physically.
"Okay so, don't get mad at me." I say, preparing for what I'm about to tell her.
"Okay, tell me, what is it?"
"I think I like Jason."
"WHAT?!" She screams, making my ears ring.
" Yeah, and I think he likes me back, okay." I say.
"Well, all I can really tell you is, if you get hurt, I told you so." She tells, laughing at the end. We both say goodnight just as Jason comes out of the bathroom. "Who was that?" He asks while he's brushing his teeth. "Just Gracie, she wanted to check up on us. Oh, and the school emailed everyone, no school for the next 2 days while the investigation's going on." I tell, his face get's bright. "Yes, no school. My dads in Rio right now and my mom doesn't come back until Friday so." He shrugs.
I go and turn the lights off, leaving on a small nightlight I've always kept by my bed. "Goodnight, Noelani." He says as I wrap myself in my covers. "Goodnight, La'akea." I say, saying his last name with my accent. He keeps on watching TV as sleep slowly takes over my body.