♦ Chapter Nineteen ♦

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  toska (n.) || ache of soul

) || ache of soul

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She watched out her window everyday. She didn't know what she was looking for. Was it to catch a glimpse to assure her they were alive or to make sure they left the area? Her broken heart called to the wolves and she knew she could never have them again. To say that she was torn was the understatement of the century. She was in agony. She spent every night crying herself to sleep, every hour of the day mourning for her loss. 

For the first four days, she never left her house. She did it for them but she couldn't deny that she wanted to give up and run out to find her wolves. She sincerely hoped that they had moved on as she had hoped and maybe they found a pack. Maybe they found a mate. Maybe they were completely happy and forgotten about her. Hopefully, they were still alive and the men from her town hadn't killed them. Not being able to know killed her even more.

She spent the summer months holed up inside of her house, which eventually turned in a dangerous pit of depression. She experienced feelings that she hadn't experienced so strongly for a few years, the same feelings she had when her mother and sister had been murdered. She kept herself sane by binge watching netflix and reading books, attempting to drown out the hole in her heart. She tried to stick to her routine of cooking and such but it failed more days than it worked. Slowly, she returned to her sullen life. 

She politely declined Esther's job offer because she knew that Esther would see that something was up. She didn't want to talk anyone so she stayed away from everyone. Avery turned up at her house a few times through out the months but she couldn't bring herself to open the door. She couldn't face anyone. Her father was concerned but she always managed to pull on a believable act when he was around. 

Sometimes, she blamed it on her nightmare that brought her mood down, but in all reality she was surprised that the nightmare hadn't returned. She just didn't know what to do with her life anymore, she felt like she lost her purpose. Just like the weeks after her near death accident. 

Her father would be returning today and she barely managed to scrape herself out of bed to make food. The summer months were slowly ending and fall was on the approach. She walked over to the stove and pulled out a pan. Occasionally, she glanced up to watch the colorful landscape beyond, but she always glanced away before her thoughts could reach her wolves. 

She slowly forced herself back into her routine, even though it still failed most days, she had to try to do something. Depression was a dangerous poison and once the hole was dug, it was too easy to keep digging. She felt a little better making her favorite stew over the stove and she even turned on the radio to hear the soft hum of voices, although she never actually listened. Everything was surreal. She felt like she was living through a film screen, trudging through a sea of molasses. 

She was lost. Broken. And it was all because of a promise. Maybe if she never stumbled upon those wolves, she wouldn't feel so bad, but that was a lie, too. If she hadn't found those wolves, she would have attempted another suicide. The demons in her head were relentless and she could only withstand so much until she caved again. Maybe, she would have been successful. Life is supposed to be full of highs and lows, she just wondered how to find another high. 

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