Love Is An Illusion

Please Never Fall In Love Again

Song of the chapter, Please Never Fall In Love Again, shown up top. 

Allison Baker 

Two months before I was born, my Father left. My Mom says that he left because he was having an affair with who was their neighbor at the time and had gotten the girl pregnant. I've grown up hating the man I've never met, the man who ruined my chance at seeing the happy side of my Mom. She looks so happy in old photos that my Grandparents have of her, she looks different. 

Her ebony hair looks shiny and healthy, not dry. Her blue eyes shine with happiness, not the dullness I saw in them growing up. Her smile looks real; I've only ever seen my Mom smile seven times and they were all fake. 

I didn't have the proper childhood. I had to make my own food, I had to go out to buy my own clothes, I had to come back home to see my Mom with random guys. From those experiences, I thought I learned something; Just because the people around you have a shit life, that doesn't mean that you have to have one. From thinking that I made my life shittier then it was before.  

I'm grateful for my Grandparent's, they were there for me when they could be, which was pretty hard since they lived 7,000 miles away. They tried to get my Mom help, but she was already too broken and could not be fixed. Not wanting me to end up like my Mom, they paid for my college tuition, which is something that I will be forever grateful for. 

My Grandma puts her frail hands on my face and I can see tears start to swell up in her brown eyes. All the stress that's been put on her has made her look older then she actually is. Her once black hair, is now grey and her once smooth skin now has wrinkles on it. Just a year ago she looked thirty, now she looks fifty, and I feel bad because I know that it's my fault. 

I look back at my Grandpa and he gives me a sad smile and I return one, but then my mood drastically falls when I notice that someone is missing. I turn my eyes back to my grandma's, "She's not coming is she?" I ask her, referring to my Mom. 

My Grandma drops her hands and looks back at my grandpa, who frowns in anger. She looks back at me, sympathy shining in her blue eyes and shakes her head no. My Grandpa then begins to speak up, "She should be her, how could she miss saying goodbye to her daughter while she heads off to college?" Frustration is visible in the frown lines around his blue eyes, his mouth set in a frown. 

I walk over to him and give him a hug, "It's okay," I whisper then let go of him. I look back at my car and at my grandparent's who are now standing side by side. "I love you," I muster out of my mouth. Them and my Mom are the only people I will ever love and this is the first time I've said those words since the last time I've seen him. They say I love you back and then watch me head to my car. 

I get in my car and start it up. I wave to them as a final goodbye, put on my seat belt, then head out to start my new life. 

"I don't understand! My best friend and I requested to have a room together and you guys said that you would make it happen! And now you tell me that I'm stuck with this rabies infested bitch!" The blonde girl named Cecilia that happens to be my new roommate yells . I already knew my roommate was a girl named Cecilia and that we were rooming in room 420 since they sent out a letter with roommate information, but apparently she didn't read that letter. 

"At least I don't wear more makeup then clothes," I mutter, scrunching up my nose in the short skirt and crop shirt she's wearing in 60 degree weather. Cecilia would be pretty if she didn't wear so much makeup. With hazel eyes and blonde hair, she could look like a model with no makeup on. 

Cecilia doesn't hear my comment for she's still yelling at our poor RA who is trying to reason with Cecilia and telling her to quiet down. A girl then walks out of the room next to the one Cecilia and I are supposed to be sharing. She looks at me, then Cecilia, then the RA. She rolls her eyes, then runs her hand through her dyed dark blue hair. 

"Can you shut the fuck up?" She asks Cecilia, seeming just as done as I am with her. Cecilia looks at the girl and narrows her eyes. "Who are you? Smurfette? Leave you irrelevant blueberry," Cecilia sneers. The blue haired girls green eyes turn from annoyance to anger, but before she could say anything, Cecilia's phone starts ringing. 

Cecilia pulls her iPhone X out of her shirt pocket then heads to our room and shuts the door. Juliette blinks then wipes her face, "Lord Jesus Christ, I pray that, that girl does not end up in hell," she mumbles while walking to her room. The blue haired girl raises her eyebrows in shock then looks at me. 

"I'm Camilla," she says, reaching her hand. I shake it, the coolness of her rings making my hands freeze even more since the hallway is not warm. "I'm Allison, but just call me Ali," I smile and tell her. 

She releases her hand from mind and lifts her hand into a salute, "Will do, Ali," she says. "Are you going to the party that the older years are throwing for the freshman?" She asks, implying an invitation to go with her. 

"Are you sure it's smart to attend a party that older years are throwing? What if it turns out to some hazing thing?" I ask, kind of wary of attending a party thrown my older years is a smart thing to do. From all the books I've read, nothing ever good comes from attending a college party in general. 

Camilla looks to the side, thinking. After a moment she shrugs her shoulders, "School hasn't even started yet and most freshman moved in today. Not only was I invited my first official college party before college has even started, it's an opportunity to meet other freshman. So, if it is a hazing thing, it'll probably be worth it. Just knock on my door if you want to go," she reasons with me. 

I guess she has a point, but I'm not taking any chances. I nod my head and she smiles, "See you later, hopefully later today, oh and good luck with that demon possessed demon barbie doll." and with that she goes back into her dorm room. I turn and look at mine, afraid of what's on the inside. 

I open the door and come face to face with a hanger. "What the fuck?" I ask, rubbing my forehead. Cecilia looks at me, eye shadow and eyeliner now applied on her eyes. "Don't just barge in then," She says, as if this isn't my room too. 

"You do realize that we're sharing this room, right? Or is your brain too fucked up from all the fumes that your inhaling from your caked face to process that?" I ask, because she's gotten on my last nerve. She glares at me, but then she smiles. 

"I'm not going to even argue with you," her smile then drops and turns into a sneer, "but a boy is coming over in 20 minutes. This boy is a junior, so please don't embarrass yourself or myself." And with that, she goes back to applying her makeup. 

The room is actually really spacious, which I like. It's actually bigger then my room at my Mom's house. I get into the bed that I made before Cecilia showed up and lay down under the covers, tired from today. My mind drift's off to my Mom and what she might be doing. I know she forgot that today was the day that I was leaving for college and I know she won't realize that I'm gone until tomorrow. The thought doesn't hurt me though, I'm used to this behavior. 

I stop thinking about my Mom and pull my pull my phone an earbuds out of my pocket and plug my earbuds into my ears. I go to Spotify and turn on my favorite playlist, and the first song that plays is my favorite,  Please never fall in love again. The song title is the exact same thing I asked myself on the way to this new experience. With confidence that I won't fall in love again, I slowly drift off to sleep.