Bertolt x reader (the beautiful pain)

Before the night

You run straight to your dorm . and immediately you locked yourself, quietly you you walk to your bed. "I wasn't prepared for that" you're shocked and not very sure what is exactly you feel.

You bumped your body into the bed, peeked to your dorm mate, who were sleeping peacefully in their last night as trainee, your surroundings were quiet but not for you, your heart beating loudly, you tried to catch your breathe, tried to conceal your red face from the  world, especially from him. You felt like he was watching you, and you couldn't guess what kind of face he's making, is his face as red as yours?

you screamed soundlessly in pillow, this is just embarrassing , never thought you could be THAT CLOSE AND THEN KISS JUST HAPPENED! LIKE WHATT!!!
"Ah no stopp.." Maya unconsciously talk in her sleep caught you to reality.
"Hmm" you sighed
the embarrassing scene still playing freshly in your thought, the detail, the softness of .. no!  How shameful, you don't know whether you love or hate it, he just full of confusing.
"AHHHH!" You unintentionally screamed out.
But thank to God, all your roommates already fell into deep sleep.
"What should I do?" You touched your soft lips, still thinking the detail part of the kiss. "I wished, I could meet him in better circumstances "
"I'm not pretty"
"I'm not a perfect to be someone lover"
"And" the reality hits to really hard
"I'm a soldier .. My life were committed to the humanity.."

. Suddenly a pearl of tears falling down from your eyes, crossing down over the burning red face of yours. "Look, I cried, how pathetic"
Yes, you cried again. You felt so weak, tired and empty. "Y/N, you're so stupid" you keep cursing on yourself. "So fucking stupid" those words was lasting until you fell into deep loneliness.

The noises of awaken people, has interrupt your sleep . You are finally awake. Krista and Mina already got bath, meanwhile the rest still in their slumber. You immediately went to the shower, not wanting to Krista ask you about your puffy eyes. You're tired of questions. It's sufficient the load of your unknown romance question attack yourself .

You immediately strip down and took the hot and steamy shower. Closing my eyes to the water at the heat stroke your tired skin. "Ahh" you moaned to the incredible slacken, this is enough to make you high. You leaned onto the wall as you let the dripping water washing away all of your uneasiness. Your body really needed this.
"It's really good having hot shower"

Actually the hot shower really helped you rid of your uneasiness, not all but it okay. and you decided to keep it secret. "Its not a big matter tho" 
"What matter" Maya innocently asked, she must had no idea what exactly happened last night. "I-I ... afraid, that.... I, don't get chosen as the top ten!"
"Bestie, we did our best, its okay if we didn't get recon" maya comforted you, you felt guilty for not telling the truth.
........

You currently at the mess hall, having breakfast, a bread and a cup of coffee. Even though it a simple meal, but it was enough and much grateful. Biting the pieces of the bread, you watched the whole scenes, the atmosphere now wasn't usual. Every one was having the same topic to chat as they really anticipating tonight event.

Maya was really excited to boast about her uncle, who are currently at the ministry. "I think my uncle would help me to reserve place at Garrison "
" I  have decided to be part of recon " Jean interrupted us
"Isn't that for the top ten?" Maya asked, then Jean started to boast about his excellence record in past exam, and training time. As jean keep talking about his achievements, your mind couldn't focus on any topic. You just listening to his endless paragraphs of himself.

******************************************

"Good job y/n" Annie expanded her arm as she easily pulled off your from the ground. "Thanks, but I still need to improve my skill, wanna be like you". Annie smile lil bit before she becomes emotionless again when Reiner joined you both. This is last physical training before the the graduation. But most of them were just chatting and joking around, Connie and Sasha one of them, But you want take the opportunity to do your best, you always learned something from The famous incredibly strong women, Annie Leonhart.  "Where is him" Annie casually asked Reiner, Not far from  Annie and Reiner, you caught a sight of a tall figure, instantly your face was on fire, and your heart dramatically pounding against your ears. "I-I need to go.. see ya tonight " you run from them as fast as you can, leaving them in dumbfounded, except the tall figure.