Bury The Sin

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The lights were too bright and there were too many people taking the home appliance and hardware store by storm. Justin fell in the crowd and felt eyes abandon possible savings and transfer to him. They would see it all: The sin. How much he'd enjoyed the sin. The glow of sex. They would even see the path to redemption if he wasn't careful.

His eyes fell to the list and locked there. It had been written furiously in a shaky hand. The love sweat between the two of them probably still on his hand as he had scratched it out. His list of redemption.

A frown, permanently attached to an otherwise handsome face intensified as he pushed through the crowd of rabid shoppers and stepped towards an empty aisle. His black eyes scanned a stack of identical tarps. Grabbing the largest he could find, rumblings over a dishwasher drifted his direction. With a hard shake of his head Justin shot further into the store.

This was all her fault. It felt better to lay blame at her for abandoning him while he was defenseless. Molly was with his mother and sisters an hour away in Lexington probably buying the leather jacket he'd been hinting for the past year. Or, perhaps, telling them about the growing friendship. Considering that this was the most likely scenario for Molly's day, his body tensed up. The laser beams of the shoppers fired into him again.

Or, he reasoned, they were underneath a crowd of women in a clothing store being trampled to death by wild shoppers. This, oddly enough, gave a sense of relief. It sure as fuck beat Molly complaining about the friendship.

Between two aisles he gazed at the list again. He would need a flashlight. Hazelton mountain grew dark early. There was a beautiful clearing halfway up, right around the spot his car overheated when Mike took him there back when the trees were on fire with color. It was a sweet afternoon, initially, but that lifelong battle, that horrible war that engaged within Justin around puberty, set off a new fight that day.

As he picked up one of the only flashlights remaining, the most expensive of course, his hand was rolling with a fantastic wave. He leaned against the shelf and closed his eyes. Being inconspicuous was necessary at such a time and yet incredibly difficult on the busiest shopping day of the year. Trying to calm himself proved pointless because Mike was there, he was there locked in Justin's head walking into their college class that night in August. He was there, standing outside as they smoked together during the break. He was there during their first coffee meeting outside of class.

Justin's eyes shot open and with the tarp under his arm and the flashlight tightly in hand, a firm look was provided to the list. Not that confirmation was required for knowing rope was next, the list was, by that point, locked into mind. It was there as clearly as the sight of Mike's shirt slipping off that morning was there. Everything his father had told Justin had been put on hold, everything he was to live by had been put on hold, and he had taken Mike into his own space after the sight of that dark blonde patch of hair that hugged Mike's chest provided a phenomenal fire within.

The recollections brought it all there.

An appropriate response was provided by Justin's anatomy, against his will, from recalling the events of the morning. The aisle was empty and he turned himself against a shelf until the god damn sin of the flesh passed. A furious gaze was held on the list of redemption and as he gathered the rope, and finally, shovel, his mind was void of thought with the exception of feeling justification.

A bitter wind cut into him as he escaped the mad store. A wimpy snow was being kicked about in the wind and two men were standing by the entrance cursing to the best of their limited vocabulary because they both felt entitled to the last riding mower. He felt their eyes all the way to his car but escape had occurred.

As he stopped at the car, Justin stared at the trunk, instinctively he considered opening it and wondered if he said "no" aloud. He looked around at the parking lot crammed full of cars and felt a lump in his throat. That would technically be his final moment of normalcy. Tears he would never allow to fall began stinging his eyes and, for a brief moment, he felt the need for his mother. This thought made him feel foolish and angry, just as angry as he had been while making the list. He jerked open the back passenger door and carefully placed the shovel across the backseat. Next the folded tarp, then the flashlight and rope.

There was nothing to do but head up the mountain. He lit a cigarette after getting inside the car, took a hard drag, and the hard look eased and a slight grin to cut across his face. He flicked the ashes out a small crack of the window and jerked the car into reverse.

Just as the car began providing the foul aroma of melting plastic, a clearing appeared halfway up the mountain. Justin edged inside the clearing carefully and turned off the car. That last moment with Mike, just hours earlier, threatened to spring into mind again. It could not, and would not, be replayed in his mind. It was enough to kill him.

Lighting a cigarette as he stepped out of the car he let out a painful moan. "Why?" he cried out with his head aimed towards the sky. "Bury the sin into the earth. Maybe this will redeem me. Maybe it will. " A weakness had formed in his voice and edged down into his bones. He prayed for strength. Then he cursed again. His fists shook to the sky and a fire burned across his face and his legs felt as though they would give way. "It's not fair," his weakened voice cried and his eyes fell to the car. Answers that wouldn't arrive haunted greater than the task at hand.

A wave of nausea hit as he stood over the trunk and allowed the key to hang inside the lock. It was as powerful as it had been back at his trailer, the home he'd been building with Molly 4 years at Thurman trailer park. It wasn't much but by God it was his and he worked hard for it. He had allowed it to be invaded and it was time to justify the mistake.

"Maybe you will know for sure if we just ..."

The trunk opened and Mike looked as beautiful and desirable as he always did. Those great big blue eyes were wide open and staring into Justin's soul. They'd been the first thing he'd noticed about Mike. They didn't close through it all. Redemption wouldn't come no matter how far into the earth he placed him and the longer Justin stared at his dead body the more clear this became.