The fear of being alone

December 10th, 2018

Hello, I don't really know how to start this, but hello. Today was quite..eventful. I realized how much ive been holding onto inside. Ive lost so many people lately, I don't know who my true friends are. Im in highschool. Yeah..your probably thinking "it'll get better buddy! Its just highschool." Its been like this before highschool, before middle school, shit even before elementary. I guess it all started when my mother died, I was 5 when she was brutally murdered in front of me. Thats all I fucking remember her as, a dead body on the kitchen floor, something so beautiful yet so lifeless. What had been her last thoughts going out? Ill never know. Of course being at that age..I ignored it. I numbed myself with cartoons looking at the television feeling as if it was all a dream. What could a 5 year old do? I remember hearing the gun shots, not knowing what they were I thought my mother dropped her frying pan on her foot. As I walked into the kitchen there I saw her. Lifeless, I looked down at her not realizing what had happen just terrified of the blood gushing out of her. Turning around to see the man now pointing a gun at me. I wonder to this day why he didnt just shoot me right then and there. I wonder if he took pity on me, I wonder if he even realized she had a child in the house. He didn't shoot me though. He fucking should have, he put through enough trauma enough. He left me alone with her for 7 hours. 7 fucking hours looking at the tv in a haze crying thinking to myself wake up wake up please. I never woke up. From that day on I knew anything could be taken away from me nothing had value, not even me. That didnt stop my worrying though, I have extremely bad PTSD. No one realizes it I try my best to hide it but everything panics me. Especially losing my father. I never believed in god, what reason do i have too. He took away my mother. If he was real he wouldn't have made me see my mother lifeless body, made me stay in the house, almost had a 5 year old shot. I remember my father after 4 months of the incident I was placed in a foster care. No therapy no treatment just me to deal with it alone. My sister acted weird about it. Fucking bitch. How I dealt with it was being around people. I was always with my friends. Always trying to make everyone smile and be happy. It was the natural thing for me to cope with. My father finally got me when I was 5, I had gone to a few foster homes, one being sexually abusive. I had finally gone home with my dad. At a young age I knew how sick the world was, the only safe place was my mind. Where no one could judge me but me. Later I realize that I truly do only have my mind, that slowly becoming worse. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 9. I have few memories of anything growing up, sort of like a automatic cooping system. My mind is very forgetful, the weed doesn't help it but it helps settle my head. I have been going to therapy now for about 10 years. It never helping, just me going to talk about useless feelings that would soon be gone like her. That was always my view point "you only have yourself." Im scared of my own view point because I dont wanna be alone. I dont wanna be alone in my head. It hurts to be in my mind all I can see is her face. All the bad memories rushing to me, all the people ive lost. I dont wanna feel worthless anymore. I don't like feeling like a piece of shit. Its so bad that I play music everywhere. I cried today because I couldnt take my headphones. I need music, it soothes me. I know what your thinking "if this bitch doesnt stop pitying herself, making her the victim" im sorry. This is my daily inputs though, anyway. I fell in love truly with an older guy, it turning into shit, him leaving out of the blue just like she did. Now I don't want relationships. Right now im talking to this guy who i think is simply amazing but..hes vanishing aswell and i..just dont think i need to take more heart break. Its a long distance thing so i understand where hes coming from. Im not there with him so its easier for him to forget about me. To deal with stuff in real life then deal with a little girl who is states apart. My walls are already up to him, yet for some reason im obsessed with him how he acts how he just is makes me warm. Enough about him, thinking of him makes me sick. God im just full of anger towards everyone. I dont wanna be alone yet i dont want to be judged and snickered behind my back. Im probably just going to stick to my music and try to stick it out this year. I lost one of the best friends ive had due to my stupid decisions. I chose someone else over her and thats my fucking mistake and i feel more guilty by the day by it. Im so sorry for doing that to you, i miss our friendship. I miss you. Im happy your in a loving relationship and have another great friendship. You chose your friends wisely. Your smart as hell though. I chose some fake bitch over you who i thought would be a more positive thing on me when truly your the one who changed me for the better who didnt judge me. And im sorry. I know you wont ever forgive me. But believe me i keep having dreams of you. I keep wanting to redo this year. I fucking miss our laughing. I should have stayed. I should have been smarter and seen through the girls bullshit. Now im all alone. Its what i deserve. God dont i fucking wish he would have shot me. Dont i wish he didnt have pity on me. He should have fucking shot me. Now here i am in a room resorting to drugs resorting to things that make me feel actually alive. I realized today how fucking lonely i truly am, and i wish i could end it right now. Im always fucking playing therapist for someone im always listening to their shit when no one listens to mine, when my shit comes up im being too dramatic im into too much "drama" dont you fucking understand im not trying to do this im not trying to be fucked up. Im not trying to push you away. Im sorry okay im fucking sorry im like this. Im sorry i push all of my friends away, yes i fucking annoy myself thats why i cant handle myself why i cant be alone why i must need something to distract me. Therapy doesnt work, pills dont work, how come fucking drugs work though? How come they make me feel good when nothing else does. What will 2019 hold? More bullshit? More suicidal thoughts? I honestly feel as if i should end it before the new year begins but i cant hurt my father. Hes the only one who hasnt turned on me. I just dont wanna be alone anymore. I just want someone here for me. When i was there for everyone else. I deserve it though. Goodnight.