There are so many people… I didn’t even know that this many people knew me. But they are all here and they all walk around, faces stained with tears consoling each other. They place flowers onto my grave and say that I was much too young to die… I wish they would stop mourning for the loss of me and start rejoicing and thanking the Lord that they knew me at all. This sorrow is nearly too much to bear.
I turn away. I can’t stand to see my family like this, my brother standing, watching, looking, not reacting when anyone talks to him, my father breaking down in tears at my graveside, my grandfather checking his watch repeatedly, as if waiting for his time to die… my sister mumbling to herself something so quietly no one can hear her, my grandma in her wheelchair looking strong while she knows that it will be her time, soon, to join me.
My father stands up then and starts speaking; my father is the kind of person that people listen to no matter what… it’s like when he speaks the entire world stops what they are doing and listens.
“My beautiful daughter,” he starts, “My lovely Alice, you will be missed sorely by everyone present today and even those not present, because the world has lost something more than just a sixteen year old girl it has lost a little bit of light… the light and happiness that you exuded will never be again. If only you hadn’t gotten into that car…with that boy” he makes a choking sound. I want to hold him and tell him that I’m fine, tell him that I feel no anger against my boyfriend… currently lying in hospital, wishing he was dead rather than me.
“Kevin,” Grandfather stands and makes his way to my father, “its ok.”
“But it’s not, Dad,” he says, “Alice is gone, she shouldn’t be gone… she should be with us. With her family, I already lost her mother… I didn’t need to lose her too… I will kill him.”
Malcolm, my older brother, takes this chance to finally look up, “We should go home, Dad.” Those words sound like they’re choking him… killing him slowly, draining him of blood and breathe… he’s pale… paler than before and his eyes are watering… I don’t want to see him like this but I’m riveted, I can’t look away. My always strong and protective brother is reduced to tears.
Bella, my younger sister rushes to him, hugs him and proceeds to ball her eyes out fitfully screaming and hiccupping between uneven sobs and breaths.
Grandma wheels herself over to them and sits Bella on her lap and wheels herself away, stroking Bella’s hair, just like mum used to do. She wheels herself over to the car park and waits patiently for the others to follow.
Grandpa leads Dad away, softly consoling him, telling him that I am happy, that it’s not his fault that I’m gone.
Malcolm makes his way to my graveside and whispers. “I love you, Alice, and I’m going to miss you… everyone is going to miss you… please look after Dad and Bella, wherever you are… and… and say hi to Mum for me.” He sniffles, rubs his eyes, smiles weakly at my headstone. “Goodbye gorgeous girl,” he says as he walks away. I follow him. I can’t help it. Something about his tone makes me think that he’s the one who needs looking after, not Dad, not Bella. He needs me to protect him, just like I needed him to protect me while I was living.
He gets into his car- the others are already gone. I slip into the passenger seat next to him, watching him drive, carefully, slower than he used to, tears streaming down his face freely. But he’s not heading home… where is he going?
Then I see it, the huge white building looming in front of us. The hospital- it looks sterile, even from the outside and is as formidable as a storm rolling across the sky. I know what he’s doing and I want to stop him. He’s going to see Lenny. He peers into the rear vision mirror, checking his face for signs of tears and gets out of the car. He strides up to the visitors entrance and up the stairs. He walks halfway down a hall and turns into a room. There he is. Lenny- I haven’t seen him since the accident. He doesn’t look shaken by the sight of Malcolm. He has stitches across his hairline and down one side of his neck, he also has a black eye and his arm is in a cast.
